Friday, October 31, 2008

Political Heaven and Hell

While crossing the street one day a politician is hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the polly.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you may choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules.", says St. Pete.

And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to an elevator in which he descends to hell. The elevator doors open and the politician finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all the man's friends and other politicians who have worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. His friends and colleagues run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the wonderful times they had while getting rich at the expense of others. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such fun that before the politician realizes it, it's time to leave. Everyone bids him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator ascends. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time for you to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a nice time and, before he realizes it, another 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The polly reflects for a moment then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he descends back down to hell. When the elevator doors open the politician finds himself in the middle of a barren landscape strewn with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage rains down from above. The devil comes over to the politician and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the polly. "Yesterday when I was here, there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...

Today you voted."

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Monkey Business

If you have difficulty understanding the current world financial situation, the following should help.

Once upon a time in a village in India, a businessman announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for 10 rupees. The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around went out into the forest to catch them.

The businessman bought thousands of monkeys from the villagers at 10 rupees each but as supply began to diminish the villagers stopped their efforts. The businessman then announced that he would now pay 20 rupees per monkey. This encouraged the villagers to start catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply of monkeys diminished even further and the villagers returned to their farms. The rate offered per monkey was further increased to 25 rupees, and so the supply of monkeys became so low that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch one.

The businessman then announced that he would buy monkeys for 50 rupees each. However, since he had to visit the city, his assistant would act as his buyer. In the businessman's absence his assistant said to the villagers, "Look at all the monkeys my boss has collected in this huge cage. I'll sell them to you at 35 rupees each, and when my boss returns you can sell them back to him for 50 rupees."

The villagers scraped together their their savings and bought all the monkeys from the assistant, who then promptly disappeared with their money. They never saw him, his boss or their money ever again - just monkeys everywhere.

Welcome to Wall Street.

Glazed and Confused

Blonde Renovator: Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-glazed energy-efficient kind, and today, I had a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Well, just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I'm automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking salesman had told me last year: that in one year these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooo?! "It's been a year!", I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung-up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Hell's Angel vs. Lion

A biker is riding past a zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion hooks the cuff of the girl's jacket and tries to pull the girl into his cage for the slaughter.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and punches the lion square on the nose.

Whimpering with pain the lion recoils letting go of the girl. The biker then brings the girl to her terrified parents.

A New York Times reporter, who has witnessed the whole event, says to the biker, "Sir, that was the bravest thing I've ever seen someone do in my entire life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt I should."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this doesn't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist for the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have your story on the front page".

"So," asks the reporter, "please tell me a little about yourself."

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The journalist thanks the biker and leaves. The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it contains news of his actions, and reads, on front page the headline:


Monday, October 20, 2008

The Singhsons

Lean Mean Centenarian

The family wheeled Grandma, in her wheelchair, out onto the lawn where activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning over to her right. So some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

Shortly after that, Grandma started leaning over to her left. So again the family straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so her family grabbed her again, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking well. How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to her nephew...

"Bastards won't let me fart."

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Stock Market Crash vs. Divorce

Comment on the stock market crash from a broker:

"This is way worse than a divorce... I've lost half my net worth and I still have my wife!"

Pun Intended

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practise safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

My Goodness, My Guiness

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Senior Molestor

One evening a senior citizens group charters a bus from Bentley to Burswood.

Halfway through their journey an elderly woman approaches the bus driver and says, "I've just been molested!"

The driver thinks she must have fallen asleep and had a dream. So he asks her to return to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she has just been molested. The driver thinks he must have a bus load of demented seniors - who would be molesting old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up to the driver and says that she too has been molested.

The driver decides he's had enough, and pulls over. When he turns on the lights and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling along the aisle and between the seats.

"Hey grandad, what are you doing down there?" asks the bus driver.

The old man replies, "I lost my toupée. Three times, I thought I'd found it but each time I tried to grab it, it ran away!"

Monday, October 13, 2008

Holy Hotel

A priest checks into a hotel and asks the desk clerk, "Can the porn channel in my room be disabled."

"Sorry father," replies the clerk, "we only have ordinary porn - you sick bastard."

Upon Reflection

A woman is standing naked, before her reflection in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Say it with flowers

Two women are chatting over coffee one afternoon.

The first woman says, "I'm tired of my husband buying me flowers each Friday. It means he expects me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

"Really?" asks the other woman. "Don't you have a vase?"