Sunday, February 28, 2010

Paradise Lost

Since singer Susan Boyle, who professes to being a virgin, has been on TV, there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings around the world.

Apparently, many Islamic terrorists hadn't realized what a virgin looks like.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Ten Rules for Happiness

Ten rules for men to follow for a happy life:
  1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
  2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
  3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
  4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
  5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
  6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
  7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
  8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
  9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
  10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:

For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:

Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back...

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My Living Will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.


Honestly, some folk will take offence at anything; I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

A Tasmanian girl sent an email to an Agony Aunt: "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is gay?"

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the porn channel in my room disabled?" "No," she replies, "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

A bloke goes to the doctor with hearing problems, the doctor asks, "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" "Yes... Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

Fairytale for Blokes

Once upon a time, a man asked a woman, "Will you marry me?"

The woman said, "No!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing and shooting, and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch, and had tonnes of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

Unhappy Valentines

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Age Activated Attention Deficiency Disorder

Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficiency Disorder.

Here's how AAADD manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice on the porch table mail that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the rubbish, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of cola I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the cola aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The cola is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cola, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need water.

I put the cola on the bench and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the bench, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of cola sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only one cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.