Sunday, March 21, 2010

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All About Eve

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be very smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...

"You know, woman to woman."

Friday, March 19, 2010

Walking Eagle

On a recent tour or North America, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of Native Americans in Kitimat, BC in view of his experiences handling the indigenous situation in Australia.

He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing all indigenous peoples' standard of living. At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Native American name - "Walking Eagle".

The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left. A news reporter later asked the Chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.

The Chiefs replied: "Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly".

Monday, March 08, 2010

The Pope and Tiger Woods

The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day but due to an administrative error His Holiness went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, who, after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it will be 24 hours before the problem can be rectified".

The next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bid him farewell. On the way up to Heaven, the Pope meets Tiger Woods on his way down to Hell, and they stop for a chat.

Pope: "Sorry about the mix up."
Tiger: "No problem."
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven."
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
Tiger: "You're a day late."

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Questionable Answers

Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin.

Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie.

Question: Jeff has been asked to collect data about the amount of television his friends watch. Think of an appropriate question he could ask them.
Answer: How much TV do you watch?

Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones.

Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death.

Question: What are the Pyramids?
Answer: The Pyramids are a large mountain range which splits France and Spain.

Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television.

Question: In Pride and Prejudice, at what moment does Elizabeth Bennet realise her true feelings for Mr Darcy?
Answer: When she sees him coming out of the lake.

Question: What do we call a person forced to leave their home perhaps by a natural disaster or war, without having another home to go to.
Answer: Homeless.

Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony.

Question: In the Hawaiian Islands, there are around 500 different species of fruit fly. Give a reason for this.
Answer: There are approximately 500 varieties of fruit.

Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.
Answer: Fire.

Question: Define the term "intensive farming".
Answer: It is when a farmer never has a day off.

Question: Change 7/8 to a decimal.
Answer: 7.8

Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar.

Question: Redundancy is often an unpleasant and unexpected event in someone's life. Give two examples of unexpected life events.
Answer: 1) death 2) reincarnation

Question: What was introduced in the Children's Charter of 1908?
Answer: Children.

Question: Explain the word "wholesaler".
Answer: Someone who sells you whole items - e.g., a whole cake

Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria.

Question: What artificial waterway runs between the Mediterranean and Red Seas?
Answer: The Sewage Canal.

Question: Name one famous Greek landmark.
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse.

Question: Expand 2(x+y)
Answer: 2 ( x + y )
2  (  x  +  y  )
2    (    x    +    y    )

Question: Assess Fashion House's choice to locate its factory near Birmingham. Is Birmingham the right location for this type of business?
Answer: No. People from Birmingham aren't very fashionable.

Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.

Question: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Answer: Unusual names.