Thursday, March 31, 2011

Not Exactly

Kiss of Life

Racist Joke

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Swiss and a South African, went into a nightclub.

The bouncer says "I can't let you in without a Thai".

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Love Conquers Ale

An Irish Man is sitting in the pub with his wife when he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me, talking to the beer."


A man was admitted to hospital after a bizarre sex game left him with six toy horses lodged in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as "stable".

Friday, March 11, 2011

Steven Wright Witticisms

One-liners, attributed to Steven Wright:
  1. I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
  2. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  3. Borrow money from pessimists... they don't expect it back.
  4. Half the people you know are below average.
  5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  6. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  7. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  9. If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
  10. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
  11. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  12. I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
  13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  14. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  15. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  17. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  18. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  19. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
  20. I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
  21. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  22. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  23. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  24. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
  25. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  26. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  27. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  29. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  30. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  31. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  32. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  33. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  34. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
  35. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap buttered toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
  36. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Romance: Make Her Happy

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: "make the woman happy". Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played! Here's a guide to the point system:

  • You make the bed (+1)
  • You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
  • You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
  • You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
  • You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
  • When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
  • When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
  • You go out to buy her Spring-Fresh Extra-Light Panty Liners with Wings (+5)
    ......but return with beer (-5)
  • You check out suspicious noise at night (0)
    ..and it's nothing (0)
    ...and it's something (+5) pummel it with a six iron (+10)'s her father (-10)
  • You stay by her side the entire party (0)
  • You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
    ....named Tiffany (-4)
    .......Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
    ..........Tiffany has implants (-8)
  • When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
  • When mingling, you introduce her as "the old ball and chain" and pat her on the rump (-5)
  • When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think
  • she's attractive, you say "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1) say "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed." (-6)
    ......that woman is her sister (-90)
  • You have one drink and that's it (0)
  • You have more than a few drinks and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)
  • You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)
  • You go to the mall together (+3)
  • You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
  • You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
  • You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
  • You spend the day shopping for furniture and nap on a sectional (0)
  • You spend the day at a wholesale club buying in bulk (+3)
    ..most of it chips and beer (-6)
  • You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
    ..or refinishing the floors (+16)
    .....or rewiring the basement (+17)
    .......or adding a second floor (+18)
    .........or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom waste-basket (-6)
    ......and you're tickled pink about it (-15)
  • You visit her parents (0)
  • You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
  • You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the TV (-3)
    ...and the TV is off (-6)
  • You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
    ....and you didn't even go to college (-10)
    ........and it's not your underwear (-15)
  • You take her out to dinner (0)
  • You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
    ...okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
    ......and it's "all-you-can-eat" night (-3)
    .........and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team(-10)
  • You go to a nice pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player, and get up and sing (+4)
    ...if you stink (+2)
    .....if you're not half bad (+5)
    ......if you sing a Barry Manilow song and are escorted out to much applause (-2)
  • You give her a gift (0)'s a small appliance (-10)'s not a small appliance (+1)'s not chocolate (+2)'s something you'll be paying off for months (+30)
  • You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
    .....with her credit card (-30)
    ........and it's two sizes too big (-40)
  • You forget her birthday completely (-120)
    ..You forget your anniversary (-30)
    ....You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-45)
    .......which is in Newark, New Jersey (-50)
    ..........and the pouring rain completely dissolves her leg cast (-60)
  • Go out with a pal (-5)
    ..and the pal is happily married (-4)
    ....and the pal is frighteningly single (-7)
    ......and he drives a Mustang (-10)
    ..........with a personalised license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)
  • You have a few beers (-9)
    ..and miss curfew by an hour (-12)
    .....and you didn't call (-20)
  • You get home at 3 am (-30)
    ...smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-40)
    ......and not wearing any pants (-50) that a tattoo?!? (-200)
  • You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friends from work (+5)
  • She goes out with her annoying friends from work and she comes home late (+10) wait up (+15)
    .....She comes home late and drunk and you put her to bed (+20)
  • You take her to a movie (+2)
    ...a movie she likes (+4)
    .....a movie you hate (+6)
    .......a movie you like (-6)'s called "DeathCop 3" (-3)
    ............which features cyborgs having sex (-9) lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
  • You watch TV together (0)
  • You rent a movie (+2)'s "Sense and Sensibility" (+3) stay awake throughout (+5) fall asleep (-1) fall asleep and drool (-2)
  • You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)
  • You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)
  • You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+30)
  • ....and she contracts Lyme disease (-25)
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
    ...and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
    ........and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)
  • You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)
    ...something she can't use (-10)
    ......such as a motorised model aeroplane (-20)
    .........and she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)
  • You lost the directions on a trip (-4)
    ...and end up getting lost (-10) a bad part of town (-15)
    .........and meet the locals up-close and personal (-25)
    ............and you know them (-60)
  • She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (sensitive questions always start with a deficit) hesitate in responding (-10)
    ...........You reply, "Where?" (-35)
  • When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
  • When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen for over 30 minutes (+5)
    ...without looking at the TV (+10)
    ......she realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)

Honk if You're Stupid

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Beach Puzzle

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk along the beach each day. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the police, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes!" he replied.

"She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!"