Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Italian Job

An elderly Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his annual tomato crop, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Good News, Bad News and Great News

During a holiday, a man's wife is lost at sea while scuba diving. The next day, two police offices visit the man in his hotel room.

"We're sorry to disturb you," says the first cop. "But we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the man asks for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you," the policeman said, "that we found your wife's body in the bay this morning."

"Oh, my God!" the man sobs.  Composing himself he remembers what the policeman had said, he asks, "So, what's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," the eager policeman says, "she had two huge crayfish and a dozen crabs on her."

"What?!" the man exclaims, confused. "And what's the great news?"

"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.

The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves but the maniac stays on.

How the EU Works

Several years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town.  When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian Mayor he wondered how the Italian could afford such a house.

The Italian Mayor responded, "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single-lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built."

The following year the Italian Mayor visited the Greek town.  He was astonished at the sight of the Greek Mayor's brand-new house; gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.  When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek Mayor said, "You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian replied, "No."