tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-288231112024-03-13T10:00:17.317+08:00I Know FunnyA collection of what passes for humour amongst the jokes, puns and witticisms that find their way into my inbox.ChrisPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00255200066588206062noreply@blogger.comBlogger865125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-14866111702106571052015-02-21T09:18:00.003+08:002015-02-21T09:18:57.361+08:00Double NegativesAn MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In
English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some
languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative... But
there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can
express a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah,
right."Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-54380911723198362102015-02-21T09:18:00.001+08:002015-02-21T09:18:29.100+08:00One-liners<br />It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally.<br /> <br /> Who is this Rorschach guy? … and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?<br /> <br />Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings... Pavlov gasps, "Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs." <br /><br /> There are two types of people in this world:… Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.<br /> <br />A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage... The photon replies, "No, I’m travelling light."<br /> <br /> What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-64306305971171758742014-12-07T09:59:00.000+08:002014-12-07T09:59:00.584+08:00Something to offend everyoneA government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
<br />
<br />
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
<br />
<br />
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you
are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you
will have to be a little patient".<br />
<br />
63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist
attack, a bunk bed collapsed.. The police are blaming AL IKEA .
<br />
<br />
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
<br />
<br />
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman
says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and
says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"
<br />
<br />
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
<br />
<br />
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
<br />
<br />
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
<br />
<br />
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
<br />
<br />
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
<br />
<br />
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said
white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30
minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
<br />
<br />
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
<br />
<br />
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
<br />
<br />
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's
Riots...... Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
<br />
<br />
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy
tikka!
<br />
<br />
In the first few days of the Olympics, Eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
<br />
<br />
Sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .
<br />
<br />
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making
Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are
going through the roof!
<br />
<br />
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!
<br />
<br />
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look
horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your
eyesight is perfect.'
<br />
<br />
An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the
wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart;
what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your
hearing aid.'
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-11762158345239622082013-01-14T18:42:00.000+08:002013-01-14T18:42:10.047+08:00Walking the DogA flight from Melbourne to Brisbane was unexpectedly diverted to Sydney. The flight attendant explained that there would be a short delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, they could re-board in 50 minutes.<br />
<br />
Everybody exited the plane except for a blind lady. She remained seated with her seeing-eye dog lying quietly at her feet. The lady flew this route regularly and was recognised by one of the pilots as he left the aircraft.<br />
<br />
He asked" "Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"<br />
<br />
"No thanks," she replied, "but maybe Max would like to stretch his legs. Could you take him for a walk please?"<br />
<br />
Picture this:<br />
<br />
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing-eye dog. The pilot was even wearing dark sunglasses.
Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-38057767420557001372012-11-30T08:57:00.000+08:002012-11-30T08:57:00.238+08:00Funky DrummersSkip forward to the drum action...
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/a9kPfelTEds" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ItZyaOlrb7E" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-36520925658992285242012-11-29T08:53:00.000+08:002012-11-29T08:53:00.042+08:00Tag Team Nannas<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TN8YQVM1GQI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-28437823154401812052012-11-28T08:48:00.000+08:002012-11-28T08:48:22.313+08:00Dumb Ways to Die<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/IJNR2EpS0jw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-43938504356847124122012-11-14T17:48:00.000+08:002012-11-14T17:56:14.684+08:00And Stay Out!The wife was screaming at her husband, "Leave! Get out of this house!"<br />
<br />
As he was walking out the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
<br />
<br />
He turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-83154459688204565662012-08-25T14:45:00.002+08:002012-08-25T14:45:36.749+08:00Thomas the Tank Engine DerailedA mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.<br />
<br />
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.<br />
<br />
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS! When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."<br />
<br />
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."<br />
<br />
She hears the boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."<br />
<br />
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-62826556490236735152012-08-24T20:41:00.000+08:002012-08-24T20:41:00.178+08:00The noteThe wife left a note on the fridge:<br />
<br />
<i>It's not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my mother's </i><br />
<br />
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. No idea what she was on about!Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-10089403198387941342012-08-23T20:35:00.000+08:002012-08-23T20:35:43.818+08:00Irish Olympic Sailing Commentary<iframe width="580" height="340" src="http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=f2a2a1a030de" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-86937544932721740622012-08-11T17:51:00.000+08:002012-08-11T17:51:00.711+08:00Sack the sub-editorAlleged to be genuine headlines:<br />
<br />
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter<br />
<br />
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says<br />
<br />
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers<br />
<br />
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over<br />
<br />
Miners Refuse to Work after Death<br />
<br />
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant<br />
<br />
War Dims Hope for Peace<br />
<br />
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile<br />
<br />
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures<br />
<br />
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide<br />
<br />
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges<br />
<br />
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge<br />
<br />
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group<br />
<br />
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft<br />
<br />
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks<br />
<br />
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half<br />
<br />
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors<br />
<br />
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds DeadChrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-11301346229492203442012-08-10T17:39:00.000+08:002012-08-10T17:39:26.286+08:00Blessed are the cracked...for they let in the light. <br />
<ol>
<li>My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.</li>
<li>I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.</li>
<li>Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.</li>
<li>I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.</li>
<li>Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.</li>
<li>You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.</li>
<li>Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.</li>
<li>Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.</li>
<li>I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.</li>
<li>Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.</li>
<li>God must love stupid people; She made so many.</li>
<li>The gene pool could use a little chlorine.</li>
<li>Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.</li>
<li>Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? </li>
<li>Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.</li>
<li>Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.</li>
<li>Procrastinate now!</li>
<li>I have an Arts degree; do you want fries with that?</li>
<li>A hangover is the wrath of grapes.</li>
<li>A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.</li>
<li>Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!</li>
<li>They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.</li>
<li>He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.</li>
<li>A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.</li>
<li>Ham and eggs... a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.</li>
<li>The trouble with life is there's no background music.</li>
<li>The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.</li>
<li>I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
</li>
</ol>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-78162926481497106982012-08-06T19:46:00.000+08:002012-08-06T21:15:13.446+08:00Trouble and StrifeListening to the radio this morning, the host invited callers to reveal their nicknames for their wives. The pick of the bunch was from a brave chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman"...<br />
<br />
Absolutely no interest for 36 months.Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-44310668424209344732012-07-04T19:44:00.002+08:002012-07-04T19:44:21.732+08:00Star Wars I Used To Know<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/qJlbPXZEpRE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-72687609159631161852012-06-29T20:41:00.000+08:002012-06-29T20:41:00.281+08:00Paraprosdokians<b>Paraprosdokian</b>: <i>a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.</i><br />
<br />
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.<br />
<br />
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.<br />
<br />
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.<br />
<br />
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people look intelligent until you hear them speak.<br />
<br />
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.<br />
<br />
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.<br />
<br />
War does not determine who is right; only who is left.<br />
<br />
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.<br />
<br />
Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.<br />
<br />
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.<br />
<br />
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.<br />
<br />
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheques.<br />
<br />
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "In case of emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".<br />
<br />
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.<br />
<br />
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and beer gut, and still think they are sexy.<br />
<br />
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.<br />
<br />
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.<br />
<br />
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.<br />
<br />
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.<br />
<br />
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.<br />
<br />
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.<br />
<br />
You're never too old to learn something stupid.<br />
<br />
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.<br />
<br />
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.<br />
<br />
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.<br />
<br />
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-38926686488147826752012-06-28T20:33:00.000+08:002012-06-28T20:35:24.093+08:00Why Parents DrinkThe boss wondered why one of her most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick, so she dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper: "Hello?"<br />
<br />
"Is your daddy home?"<br />
<br />
"Yes, he's out in the garden," whispered the small voice.<br />
<br />
"May I please speak with him?"<br />
<br />
The child whispered, "No."<br />
<br />
So the boss asked, "Well, is mum there?"<br />
<br />
"Yes, she's out in the garden too."<br />
<br />
The boss asked, "May I speak with her please?"<br />
<br />
Again the small voice whispered, "No."<br />
<br />
Hoping there was someone with whom she could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"<br />
<br />
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."<br />
<br />
Wondering what a policeman would be doing at her employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"<br />
<br />
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.<br />
<br />
"Busy doing what?"<br />
<br />
"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the police-dog men."<br />
<br />
Growing more worried as she heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"<br />
<br />
"It's a helicopter," answered the whispering voice.<br />
<br />
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.<br />
<br />
"The search team just landed a helicopter."<br />
<br />
"A search team?" said the boss.<br />
<br />
"What are they searching for?"<br />
<br />
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...<br />
<br />
"ME!"Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-17455625459168256202012-06-22T20:48:00.000+08:002012-06-22T20:48:15.914+08:00Pool LeakI was at the pool last Sunday and decided to have a sneaky piss at
the deep end. The life guard must have noticed, he blew his whistle so damned loudly, I nearly fell in.Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-55822879763350434422012-06-22T09:05:00.000+08:002012-06-22T09:05:17.736+08:001 Magician 1 Cup<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/sascHoIYdTQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-6576558680622117702012-05-31T20:15:00.002+08:002012-05-31T20:15:13.387+08:00Mitchell & Webb: There is No God!<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/4nzmS24F9K0" width="560"></iframe>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-81041505133989435152012-05-16T21:10:00.000+08:002012-05-16T21:10:00.239+08:00Whackhead's Window: BMW 320 auto<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/nYsTw3PQKYA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-7234989398082857482012-05-15T20:30:00.001+08:002012-05-15T20:30:27.505+08:00Last WillA bloke lounging in his armchair shouts to his wife, "When I die I'm going to leave everything to you love!"<br />
<br />
She shouts back, "You already do you lazy bastard!"Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-87086982537014533232012-05-09T18:57:00.000+08:002012-05-09T18:57:16.887+08:00Indian School of BusinessLESSON 1<br />
<br />
Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice.<br />
Son: I will choose my own bride!<br />
Rajpat: But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.<br />
Son: Ah, in that case... ok.<br />
<br />
Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.<br />
<br />
Rajpat: I have a husband for your daughter.<br />
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry!<br />
Rajpat: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.<br />
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case... ok.<br />
<br />
Finally, Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.<br />
<br />
Rajpat: I have a young man to recommend as a vice-president.<br />
President: But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!<br />
Rajpat: But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.<br />
President: Ah, in that case... ok.Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-4352423146609982132012-04-09T20:56:00.001+08:002012-04-09T20:56:59.149+08:00Domino Effect<a href="http://failblog.org/2012/04/05/epic-fail-fail-nation-domino-effect-fail/"><img src='http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/epic-fail-photos-fail-nation-domino-effect-fail1.jpg' height="299px" width="500px" /></a>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28823111.post-53904464656361584222012-03-30T20:57:00.002+08:002012-03-30T20:58:14.541+08:00Brontësaurus<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="380" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/-NKXNThJ610?rel=0" width="560"></iframe>Chrishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05461074601050876693noreply@blogger.com0