Walking the Dog

A flight from Melbourne to Brisbane was unexpectedly diverted to Sydney. The flight attendant explained that there would be a short delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, they could re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody exited the plane except for a blind lady. She remained seated with her seeing-eye dog lying quietly at her feet. The lady flew this route regularly and was recognised by one of the pilots as he left the aircraft.

He asked" "Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

"No thanks," she replied, "but maybe Max would like to stretch his legs. Could you take him for a walk please?"

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing-eye dog. The pilot was even wearing dark sunglasses.

Flying High

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be just super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-groomed woman with a superior air, who hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
 
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"

Flying Blind

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die."

My First

Fascinating Aida: Cheap Flights

Ruddy Good Fortune

Rudd, Gillard and Swan are flying on the PM's RAAF VIP Aircraft to a soiree in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $100 note out of the window right now and make someone very happy."

Gillard shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw five $20 notes out of the window and make five people happy."

Not to be outdone, Swan says, "Well I could throw twenty $5 notes out of the window and make twenty people happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant pricks back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 21 million people happy."

Colbert Report: U.S. Airweighs

Emotional Baggage

More Headroom

Up, up and away...

Cleared for Take Off

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

In the Event of an Emergency

One night, an aircraft was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, George W. Bush, the Dali Lama and a hippie. Suddenly, something exploded in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!"

With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash.

"Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!"

With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

George W. Bush rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the President of the U.S. The world needs leaders, and I think leaders should have a parachute too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke.

"My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry. The supposed leader of the free world just jumped out wearing my backpack."

16 reasons Why Airplanes are Easier to Live With Than Women

1. Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.
2. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3. Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
4. Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
5. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7. Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
8. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
9. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
10. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
11. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
12. Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
13. Airplanes expect to be tied down.
14. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
15. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
16. However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.