The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The British have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO withdrawing from Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines are ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security level from "baaa" to "BAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air-force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes, and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I Hope Australia Will Come and Rescue Us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll be Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie this Weekend" and "The Barbie is Cancelled". There hasn't been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
Showing posts with label england. Show all posts
Showing posts with label england. Show all posts
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Diary of an Englishman (in Western Australia)
August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth.
October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.
November 8
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!
November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!
November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!
November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!
December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth.
October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.
November 8
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!
November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!
November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!
November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!
December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
English Scottish Detente
A Scotsman is driving through Europe and an Englishman is driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road they collide head-on with both cars flying off the road in different directions. The Scotsman climbs out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and exclaims, "Och, I am lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at the wreckage. He mutters to himself, 'Blimey, I can't believe I survived!".
The Englishman staggers over to the Scotsman and says, "You know mate, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of rivals." The Scotsman thinks for a moment and says, "You're absolutely right, Jimmy! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the crash."
So, the Scotsman open his car's boot and finds a full unopened bottle of Scotch whisky. He offers the bottle to the Englishman and says, "I think this must be another sign that we toast our new found understanding and friendship." The Englishman says, "You're quite right!", takes the bottle and starts gulping down the whisky.
After drinking nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Scotsman and says, "Your turn!" The Scotsman twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nah, I think I'll wait for the police to show up."
The Englishman staggers over to the Scotsman and says, "You know mate, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of rivals." The Scotsman thinks for a moment and says, "You're absolutely right, Jimmy! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the crash."
So, the Scotsman open his car's boot and finds a full unopened bottle of Scotch whisky. He offers the bottle to the Englishman and says, "I think this must be another sign that we toast our new found understanding and friendship." The Englishman says, "You're quite right!", takes the bottle and starts gulping down the whisky.
After drinking nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Scotsman and says, "Your turn!" The Scotsman twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nah, I think I'll wait for the police to show up."
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Beggars Belief
Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services in England. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brings in two or three pounds a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.
Ahmed says, "Look at your sign. It says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.' Britons who read that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money; you will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."
So Hamid looks at Ahmed's sign which reads: "I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan."
Ahmed says, "Look at your sign. It says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.' Britons who read that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money; you will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."
So Hamid looks at Ahmed's sign which reads: "I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan."
Madge the British Madonna
When Madonna first moved to the UK after marrying Guy Ritchie, she said she wanted to feel more English.
Having divorced Guy, she is now an unmarried mum with three kids from two different fathers.
Mission accomplished.
Having divorced Guy, she is now an unmarried mum with three kids from two different fathers.
Mission accomplished.
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