Tag Team Nannas

Take Note

An old man and woman were sitting at their dinner table, and the woman asks, "Do you want anything for dessert?", to which the man replies, "Yes! But this time you'd better take notes. Ok?"

"I don't need notes, I can remember", was the curt reply.

"Ok, fine, first I want two scoops of vanilla ice cream. You taking notes?", asked the old man.

"No! I can remember; two scoops of ice cream!", replied the old woman.

"And chocolate syrup, and a chopped banana on the side. Are you sure you won't take notes?", pleaded the old man.

"No! I can remember. Two scoops of ice cream. Chocolate syrup. Banana on the side! Is that all?", another curt reply from the old woman.

"Yes. That's all! But perhaps you should take notes.", begged the old man.

"No! I'll be back in a minute", replied the old woman.

Five minutes later, the old woman returned with bacon and eggs, with fried tomatoes, two sausages and some toast. The old man shook his head in exasperation, and said, "See! You should have taken notes; where's the tomato sauce?"

Great Weekend

A balding, white-haired old man, walked into a jewellery store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl on his arm. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At this, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweller said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!"

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."

"I know, said the old man, but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"

Senior Citizen Advice for Tiger Woods

As we all know, Tiger Woods has returned to golf after a five month hiatus. We seniors have put together some words of advice he may want to follow:

When you see a woman....

And want her badly.

Please consider the following:



No matter how beautiful she is...



No matter how sexy she is....



No matter how seductive she is...



No matter how huge her breasts are...

I forgot where I was going with this?

Wisdom of the Aged

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer thinks that seniors are so dumb that he could easily get one over on the old codger.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Age Activated Attention Deficiency Disorder

Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficiency Disorder.

Here's how AAADD manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice on the porch table mail that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the rubbish, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of cola I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the cola aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The cola is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cola, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need water.

I put the cola on the bench and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the bench, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of cola sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only one cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Old Man on Sexy Women

Courtship advice from a senior citizen:

When you see a woman, and want her badly, please consider the following:

No matter how beautiful her face is...

No matter how curvaceous her body is...

No matter how cute and sweet her smile is...

No matter how round and tight her posterior is...

No matter how seductive her eyes are...

No matter how fragrant her hair is...

No matter how ample her breasts are...

I forgot what I was going to say.

Of Dogs, Monkeys, Cows and Men

The first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at passers by.

Sharing, Caring Marriage

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered: "The teeth."

Nude Bootscooter

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home.

Walking proudly into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope".

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "And do you know why it's hanging down Margaret?"

"Nope", she replies.

"It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat."

Bedtime Stories

What differentiates females aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 -- You put her to bed and read her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

Tunnel Slapper

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand-print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed, fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

Lean Mean Centenarian

The family wheeled Grandma, in her wheelchair, out onto the lawn where activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning over to her right. So some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

Shortly after that, Grandma started leaning over to her left. So again the family straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so her family grabbed her again, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking well. How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to her nephew...

"Bastards won't let me fart."

Senior Molestor

One evening a senior citizens group charters a bus from Bentley to Burswood.

Halfway through their journey an elderly woman approaches the bus driver and says, "I've just been molested!"

The driver thinks she must have fallen asleep and had a dream. So he asks her to return to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she has just been molested. The driver thinks he must have a bus load of demented seniors - who would be molesting old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up to the driver and says that she too has been molested.

The driver decides he's had enough, and pulls over. When he turns on the lights and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling along the aisle and between the seats.

"Hey grandad, what are you doing down there?" asks the bus driver.

The old man replies, "I lost my toupée. Three times, I thought I'd found it but each time I tried to grab it, it ran away!"

Prostrate Prostate

By way of Newstopia.

Croak It

An 89 year old fisherman was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the surface, was a frog. The old man asked, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog answered, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you'll have me as your bride."

The old fisherman looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I'll be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Lunch with Dad at the mall

I took my old man to the mall the other day to help him buy some new shoes. We decided to have lunch at the food court. I noticed dad was looking at a teenager seated next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in multiple colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would find dad staring at him each time he turned. When he'd had finally had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my dad would have a good response, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on hearing it. Without batting an eyelid he answered: "Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering whether you were my son."

Pewee

An elderly couple are in Church one Sunday.

The old lady turns to her husband and whispers, "George, I just let out a silent fart but I can feel have another one coming on. What shall I do?"

John whispers back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"

Patient Enquiry

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Would it be possible to speak with someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Norma's nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! Bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me a damned thing."

Never too old

An elderly man enters a confessional and the following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!"