Several years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian Mayor he wondered how the Italian could afford such a house.
The Italian Mayor responded, "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single-lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built."
The following year the Italian Mayor visited the Greek town. He was astonished at the sight of the Greek Mayor's brand-new house; gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek Mayor said, "You see that bridge over there?"
The Italian replied, "No."
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Friday, June 18, 2010
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Devalued Definitions
CEO
Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO
Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET
A 6 to 18 month period when children receive no pocket money, wives get no jewellery, and husbands get no sex.
VALUE INVESTING
The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER
What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR
Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST
The idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT
When your ex and his/her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER
A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION
The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW
The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO
What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS
What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR
Past year investor who's now locked up in an insane asylum.
PROFIT
An archaic word no longer in use.
Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO
Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET
A 6 to 18 month period when children receive no pocket money, wives get no jewellery, and husbands get no sex.
VALUE INVESTING
The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER
What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR
Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST
The idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT
When your ex and his/her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER
A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION
The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW
The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO
What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS
What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR
Past year investor who's now locked up in an insane asylum.
PROFIT
An archaic word no longer in use.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
How to spend your Stimulus Package payment
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the question-and-answer format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition television or some such thing, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian economy by spending your stimulus payment wisely:
We need to keep that money here in Australia. You can keep the money in Australia by spending it at garage sales, going to a cricket match or footy game, or spending it on prostitutes (locals only), beer, wine and spirits (domestic only) or tattoos, since those are the only businesses that might still be owned by Aussies.
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition television or some such thing, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian economy by spending your stimulus payment wisely:
- If you spend it at Kmart, all the money will go to China.
- If you spend it on petrol all the money will go to the Middle East.
- If you purchase a computer all the money will go to India.
- If you use it to buy a car all the money will go to Japan or Korea.
- If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
We need to keep that money here in Australia. You can keep the money in Australia by spending it at garage sales, going to a cricket match or footy game, or spending it on prostitutes (locals only), beer, wine and spirits (domestic only) or tattoos, since those are the only businesses that might still be owned by Aussies.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Monkey Business
If you have difficulty understanding the current world financial situation, the following should help.
Once upon a time in a village in India, a businessman announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for 10 rupees. The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around went out into the forest to catch them.
The businessman bought thousands of monkeys from the villagers at 10 rupees each but as supply began to diminish the villagers stopped their efforts. The businessman then announced that he would now pay 20 rupees per monkey. This encouraged the villagers to start catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply of monkeys diminished even further and the villagers returned to their farms. The rate offered per monkey was further increased to 25 rupees, and so the supply of monkeys became so low that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch one.
The businessman then announced that he would buy monkeys for 50 rupees each. However, since he had to visit the city, his assistant would act as his buyer. In the businessman's absence his assistant said to the villagers, "Look at all the monkeys my boss has collected in this huge cage. I'll sell them to you at 35 rupees each, and when my boss returns you can sell them back to him for 50 rupees."
The villagers scraped together their their savings and bought all the monkeys from the assistant, who then promptly disappeared with their money. They never saw him, his boss or their money ever again - just monkeys everywhere.
Welcome to Wall Street.
Once upon a time in a village in India, a businessman announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for 10 rupees. The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around went out into the forest to catch them.
The businessman bought thousands of monkeys from the villagers at 10 rupees each but as supply began to diminish the villagers stopped their efforts. The businessman then announced that he would now pay 20 rupees per monkey. This encouraged the villagers to start catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply of monkeys diminished even further and the villagers returned to their farms. The rate offered per monkey was further increased to 25 rupees, and so the supply of monkeys became so low that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch one.
The businessman then announced that he would buy monkeys for 50 rupees each. However, since he had to visit the city, his assistant would act as his buyer. In the businessman's absence his assistant said to the villagers, "Look at all the monkeys my boss has collected in this huge cage. I'll sell them to you at 35 rupees each, and when my boss returns you can sell them back to him for 50 rupees."
The villagers scraped together their their savings and bought all the monkeys from the assistant, who then promptly disappeared with their money. They never saw him, his boss or their money ever again - just monkeys everywhere.
Welcome to Wall Street.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Stock Market Crash vs. Divorce
Comment on the stock market crash from a broker:
"This is way worse than a divorce... I've lost half my net worth and I still have my wife!"
"This is way worse than a divorce... I've lost half my net worth and I still have my wife!"
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