Walking the Dog

A flight from Melbourne to Brisbane was unexpectedly diverted to Sydney. The flight attendant explained that there would be a short delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, they could re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody exited the plane except for a blind lady. She remained seated with her seeing-eye dog lying quietly at her feet. The lady flew this route regularly and was recognised by one of the pilots as he left the aircraft.

He asked" "Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

"No thanks," she replied, "but maybe Max would like to stretch his legs. Could you take him for a walk please?"

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing-eye dog. The pilot was even wearing dark sunglasses.

A Cattle Dog Story

Tony Abbott called Barnaby Joyce into his office one day and said "Barnaby, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win over the country voters."

"Good idea boss, how will we go about it?" asked Joyce.

"Well", said Tony, "we get ourselves a couple of those Driza-Bone coats, some RM Williams boots and Akubra hats. Oh, and a Blue Heeler cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, and we'll pretend we really enjoy the bush".

"Right oh!" agreed Barnaby.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue Heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in, with their dog, up to the bar.

"G'day cobber!", said Abbott to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer."

"Good afternoon Tony", said the bartender, "Two middies of our best coming right up."

Abbott and Joyce stood leaning on the bar sipping their beers and chatting, nodding now and again to whomever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. Suddenly, the door to the adjacent bar swung open and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip handle, look under the tail, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later in came another old stockman. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in, inspected the dog's backside and went away looking puzzled. Eventually, Abbott and Joyce could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me," asked Barnaby, "why did all those stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no!", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes."

Dog Sled

Via FAIL Blog

Good Old Collingwood

His Master's Voice

Of Dogs, Monkeys, Cows and Men

The first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at passers by.

Test Your Best Friend

Test of friendship:

Lock your dog and your spouse in the boot of your car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

Drinking Dogs

Two women were out for a stroll with their dogs. One had a Doberman, the other had a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go into that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there; we have the dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

As they walked towards the bar, the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark sunglasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman is your seeing eye dog?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought convincing the bouncer that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog might be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the hell," so she put on her dark sunglasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?"

God's Creatures

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya please be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "Oi'm afraid not; we can't be having services for an animal in the church. But there are some Pentecostals down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "Oi'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Cheeses Lives

A very pretty French poodle was being chased by three dogs; a labrador, a golden retriever, and a chihuahua. She couldn't pick between them so she said, "I can't pick between you, but I like an intelligent dog, so if you can use my two favourite words, cheese and liver in a sentence you can have a date with me."

So the labrador thinks long and hard, and says, "I like liver, I like cheese." The poodle was not impressed.

The golden retriever runs around impulsively chasing his tail and says, "Yumm, cheesy liver." The poodle harrumphed and waited.

The chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

Giving your pet a pill

Instructions for cat owners

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Instructions for dog owners

1. Wrap pill in a bacon rasher.

Test of Manhood

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter filled to the brim with $10 notes.

The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it!

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well... you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.

"What are the three tests?" he asks.

"Pay first..." says the bartender, "that's the rule."

So the man gives $10 to the bartender, who puts it in the jar.

"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:

1. You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it.
2. There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
3. There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
   

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things!"

Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

The man has a few drinks... then a few more. Finally, he asks, "wherrrre's zaaat tequiiiila?!"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.

Tears are streaming down both cheeks but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up. The people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now..." he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?!"