And Stay Out!

The wife was screaming at her husband, "Leave! Get out of this house!"

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a slow and painful death!" 

He turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

The note

The wife left a note on the fridge:

It's not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my mother's 

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. No idea what she was on about!

Trouble and Strife

Listening to the radio this morning, the host invited callers to reveal their nicknames for their wives. The pick of the bunch was from a brave chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman"...

Absolutely no interest for 36 months.

Last Will

A bloke lounging in his armchair shouts to his wife, "When I die I'm going to leave everything to you love!"

She shouts back, "You already do you lazy bastard!"

Pain Threshold

It's claimed that childbirth is much more painful for women than a knee to the testicles is for men.

This is obviously untrue.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman often says, "It’d be nice to have another baby."

You never hear a bloke say, "I wouldn't mind another kick in the nuts."

Case closed.

Nymphomaniacs

Men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.

The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves but the maniac stays on.

Siri Argument

Remember the Milk

The following is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Manslator

Why Women Cry

The Third Wish

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Sheesh! I wish you'd make up your mind," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

Dan the Man: A life in 8-bits

All About Eve

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be very smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...

"You know, woman to woman."

Ten Rules for Happiness

Ten rules for men to follow for a happy life:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.

Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:

For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:

Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back...

Fairytale for Blokes

Once upon a time, a man asked a woman, "Will you marry me?"

The woman said, "No!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing and shooting, and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch, and had tonnes of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

Valentine's Surprise

Why Women are Happier than Men

1. the kitchen's all ours
2. we get control of the wedding plans and we get to look the best at our wedding
3. chocolate makes up for the orgasms that men rarely give us
4. reading men is like reading an open book, whereas men can never understand women
5. we can get into a popular bar much easier than men; we just show some cleavage
6. we don't fart, we fluff
7. we know how to colour coordinate
8. we can build a man's ego just by asking him to open a jar
9. we get doors opened for us
10. we're not as hairy and we don't have to shave our faces
11. we aren't too proud to ask for directions
12. scratching our groins is not an hourly event in our lives
13. we can do two things at once
14. we aren't forced to compensate for our fathers' lack of childhood sports skills every Saturday morning throughout our formative years
15. we can sit and read every time we go to the bathroom
16. we can spend time alone with Catholic priests, Boy Scout leaders, and Baptist Youth ministers without feeling sexually threatened
17. we don't worry about going bald
18. we never have to rearrange our testicles while wearing tight pants
19. we never get our genitals caught in our zippers when drunk
20. we don't have to constantly answer "What are you going to be when you grow up?" shortly after our third birthdays
21. we can bludgeon someone to death and then get off scot-free by claiming a "hormonal imbalance"
22. we can commit cold-blooded murder and not only get off scot-free, but end up with a book deal and an appearance on Oprah merely by mentioning "years of violent spousal abuse"
23. we don't have to go in a pubic women's toilet and worry about some previous occupant having pissed and shat on the seat, the floor, and the surrounding walls.
24. we ALWAYS outlive our husbands.
    
25. we have a wide variety of commercial, sweet smelling deodorants for our sex organs.
26. we know exactly what to do when a child is sick.
27. we don't have a freaky, semi-Oedipal relationship with our overbearing mothers
28. we don't ever have to spit
29. we don't ever have to hold one nostril shut while blasting snot out of the other
30. we have an astute, innate sense of when to change underwear before it becomes a petri dish for bacteria development
31. we never pull a back muscle screaming at the television during a sports event
32. we don't have to worry about which family member will inherit and care for our collections of sports fan apparel
33. we never lose six hours on a Saturday morning watching fishing shows on TV
    
34. we can terminate a bladder emptying event without waiting for "the shake"
35. we can tell our doctors anything
36. we can simulate a perfect, entire sex act with nothing more than ten idle minutes and a cucumber.
37. best one of all: MULTIPLE ORGASMS

See also Why Men are Happier than Women.

Why Men are Happier than Women

1. Your surname doesn't change.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can never be pregnant.
6. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
7. The world is your urinal.
8. You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too "yucky".
9. You don't have to stop and think about which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
13. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
14. One mood all the time.
15. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
16. You know stuff about tanks and engines.
17. A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
18. You can open all your own jars.
19. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
20. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
21. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
22. You never have strap problems in public.
23. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
24. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
25. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
26. You only have to shave your face and neck.
27. You can play with toys all your life.
28. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons.
29. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
30. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
31. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
32. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

See also Why Women are Happier than Men.

Shii - The Wii for Women