Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Why Women are Happier than Men

  1. the kitchen's all ours
  2. we get control of the wedding plans and we get to look the best at our wedding
  3. chocolate makes up for the orgasms that men rarely give us
  4. reading men is like reading an open book, whereas men can never understand women
  5. we can get into a popular bar much easier than men; we just show some cleavage
  6. we don't fart, we fluff
  7. we know how to colour coordinate
  8. we can build a man's ego just by asking him to open a jar
  9. we get doors opened for us
  10. we're not as hairy and we don't have to shave our faces
  11. we aren't too proud to ask for directions
  12. scratching our groins is not an hourly event in our lives
  13. we can do two things at once
  14. we aren't forced to compensate for our fathers' lack of childhood sports skills every Saturday morning throughout our formative years
  15. we can sit and read every time we go to the bathroom
  16. we can spend time alone with Catholic priests, Boy Scout leaders, and Baptist Youth ministers without feeling sexually threatened
  17. we don't worry about going bald
  18. we never have to rearrange our testicles while wearing tight pants
  19. we never get our genitals caught in our zippers when drunk
  20. we don't have to constantly answer "What are you going to be when you grow up?" shortly after our third birthdays
  21. we can bludgeon someone to death and then get off scot-free by claiming a "hormonal imbalance"
  22. we can commit cold-blooded murder and not only get off scot-free, but end up with a book deal and an appearance on Oprah merely by mentioning "years of violent spousal abuse"
  23. we don't have to go in a pubic women's toilet and worry about some previous occupant having pissed and shat on the seat, the floor, and the surrounding walls.
  24. we ALWAYS outlive our husbands.
  25. we have a wide variety of commercial, sweet smelling deodorants for our sex organs.
  26. we know exactly what to do when a child is sick.
  27. we don't have a freaky, semi-Oedipal relationship with our overbearing mothers
  28. we don't ever have to spit
  29. we don't ever have to hold one nostril shut while blasting snot out of the other
  30. we have an astute, innate sense of when to change underwear before it becomes a petri dish for bacteria development
  31. we never pull a back muscle screaming at the television during a sports event
  32. we don't have to worry about which family member will inherit and care for our collections of sports fan apparel
  33. we never lose six hours on a Saturday morning watching fishing shows on TV
  34. we can terminate a bladder emptying event without waiting for "the shake"
  35. we can tell our doctors anything
  36. we can simulate a perfect, entire sex act with nothing more than ten idle minutes and a cucumber.
  37. best one of all: MULTIPLE ORGASMS
See also Why Men are Happier than Women.

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