Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Subtle humour

Sometimes my Jehovah’s Witness friends get mad at me for ignoring them when they try to tell me knock knock jokes.

My brother Ben has Alzheimer’s. I hope it isn’t hereditary because my brother Ben has Alzheimer’s.

I hate that if a girl has sex with a lot of guys everyone calls her a slut, yet if a guy does the same thing everyone calls him gay.

I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

I was going to tell a joke about Jonestown, but the punchline is too long.

If you put your ear next to a woman's leg you can actually hear her say what the fuck are you doing?

Don’t tease fat kids, they already have enough on their plates.

My friend told me I don't understand irony...
...which was ironic because I was standing at a bus stop at the time.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "I'll have some H2O." A second man then walks up and says, "I'll have some H2O too."
The second man dies.

Via AskReddit

Monday, December 19, 2011

Great Weekend

A balding, white-haired old man, walked into a jewellery store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl on his arm. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At this, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweller said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!"

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."

"I know, said the old man, but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Flying Blind

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die."

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Italian Job

An elderly Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his annual tomato crop, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie.
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Good News, Bad News and Great News

During a holiday, a man's wife is lost at sea while scuba diving. The next day, two police offices visit the man in his hotel room.

"We're sorry to disturb you," says the first cop. "But we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the man asks for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you," the policeman said, "that we found your wife's body in the bay this morning."

"Oh, my God!" the man sobs.  Composing himself he remembers what the policeman had said, he asks, "So, what's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," the eager policeman says, "she had two huge crayfish and a dozen crabs on her."

"What?!" the man exclaims, confused. "And what's the great news?"

"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Nymphomaniacs

Men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.

The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves but the maniac stays on.

How the EU Works

Several years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town.  When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian Mayor he wondered how the Italian could afford such a house.

The Italian Mayor responded, "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single-lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built."

The following year the Italian Mayor visited the Greek town.  He was astonished at the sight of the Greek Mayor's brand-new house; gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.  When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek Mayor said, "You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian replied, "No."

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

I was in Coles yesterday and I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread but when I got closer I realised it said "Thick Cut".

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Faster Than Light Neutrinos

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here", said the bartender. 

A neutrino walks into a bar.

Monday, September 26, 2011

A Cattle Dog Story

Tony Abbott called Barnaby Joyce into his office one day and said "Barnaby, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win over the country voters."

"Good idea boss, how will we go about it?" asked Joyce.

"Well", said Tony, "we get ourselves a couple of those Driza-Bone coats, some RM Williams boots and Akubra hats. Oh, and a Blue Heeler cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, and we'll pretend we really enjoy the bush".

"Right oh!" agreed Barnaby.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue Heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in, with their dog, up to the bar.

"G'day cobber!", said Abbott to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer."

"Good afternoon Tony", said the bartender, "Two middies of our best coming right up."

Abbott and Joyce stood leaning on the bar sipping their beers and chatting, nodding now and again to whomever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. Suddenly, the door to the adjacent bar swung open and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip handle, look under the tail, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later in came another old stockman. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in, inspected the dog's backside and went away looking puzzled. Eventually, Abbott and Joyce could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me," asked Barnaby, "why did all those stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no!", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes."

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

SNAG

I have a mate who just can't hold on to a girlfriend. We, the lads, have been coaching him, teaching him to listen to women and show them respect.

His new girlfriend said he would have to wait six months before she would go down on him. He told her he totally respected her decision and would give her a call then.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Senior Citizen Advice for Tiger Woods

As we all know, Tiger Woods has returned to golf after a five month hiatus. We seniors have put together some words of advice he may want to follow:

When you see a woman....

And want her badly.

Please consider the following:



No matter how beautiful she is...



No matter how sexy she is....



No matter how seductive she is...



No matter how huge her breasts are...

I forgot where I was going with this?

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Nurses Never Laugh

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse after Bob explained he was embarrassed about his concern.

"I'm a professional.  In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male member the nurse had ever seen - in length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a giggle, but it just came out.  Then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.  Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said. 

"I don't know what came over me.  On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again.  Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Remember the Milk

The following is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Doctor Doctor

I visited my doctor's office the other day only to find that my new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Quotable Kids

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five year-old shout from the back seat, "Mum, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

OPINIONS
On his first day of school, a boy handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

TOMATO SAUCE
A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's changing room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE #1
While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a police officer?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoelace?"

POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you have back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my four year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the footpath in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mum, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Friday, May 27, 2011

Sincerely

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,
Unicorns


Dear Twilight fans,

Please realise that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasising about that.

Sincerely,
Logic


Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,
The Titanic


Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely,
Anonymous


Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely,
Canada


Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Sincerely,
Google


Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely,
1985


Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely,
That Little Triangle


Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that door for the both of us.

Sincerely,
Jack
PS you let go


Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely,
BP


Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely,
God


Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely,
Unimpressed


Dear Michael Jackson,

You really should have became a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but the
benefits...

Sincerely,
The Pope


Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,

Please lknvfdmv.xvn.

Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder


Dear Nickleback,

That's enough.

Sincerely,
The World


Dear Skin-Coloured Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin colour.

Sincerely,
Black people


Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain... No one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely,
Sarah Palin


Dear Mary,

Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.

Sincerely,
Joseph


Dear World of Warcraft,

Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.

Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere


Dear Batman,

What was your power again?

Sincerely,
Superman


Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.

Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Global Warming,

You're the best imaginary friend ever!

Sincerely,
Al Gore


Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome.

Sincerely,
Alcohol


Dear Mr. Gump

WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get...

Sincerely,
Jenny

Dear Haiti,

Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?

Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell


Dear Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?

Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio


Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely,
The Mayan


Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely,
Native Americans


Dear iPhone,

Please stop spell-checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shit.

Sincerely,
Every iPhone User


Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,

Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?

Sincerely,
Terrified


Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up...

Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore


Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely,
Elephant


Dear Dr. Phil,

Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.

Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Thought for the day

A: People have two ears and only one mouth; I guess that means we should listen more and talk less.

B: You have two legs and only one head. Maybe you should think less and fuck off!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Rising Sons

Four mates, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After a few drinks, one of the men had to use the men's room.

Those who remained talked about their families.

The first bloke boasted, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company in the mail room. He studied economics and business administration, and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. Now he's the president of the company. He's become so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday!"

The second man responded, "That's awesome! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so wealthy that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday!"

The third father said, "Well, that is impressive! My son studied at the country's best university and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 5,000 square metre mansion!"

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the men's room. He asked, "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. Howe about your son?"

The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends looked stunned. One said, "What a shame... how disappointing for you."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son I'm proud of him and I love him."

"And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Dangerous Intersection

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Not Exactly

Kiss of Life

Racist Joke

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Swiss and a South African, went into a nightclub.

The bouncer says "I can't let you in without a Thai".

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Love Conquers Ale

An Irish Man is sitting in the pub with his wife when he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me, talking to the beer."

Horseplay

A man was admitted to hospital after a bizarre sex game left him with six toy horses lodged in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as "stable".

Friday, March 11, 2011

Steven Wright Witticisms

One-liners, attributed to Steven Wright:
  1. I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
  2. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  3. Borrow money from pessimists... they don't expect it back.
  4. Half the people you know are below average.
  5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  6. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  7. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  9. If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
  10. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
  11. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  12. I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
  13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  14. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  15. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  17. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  18. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  19. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
  20. I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
  21. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  22. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  23. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  24. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
  25. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  26. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  27. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  29. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  30. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  31. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  32. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  33. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  34. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
  35. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap buttered toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
  36. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Romance: Make Her Happy

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: "make the woman happy". Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played! Here's a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
  • You make the bed (+1)
  • You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
  • You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
  • You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
  • You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
  • When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
  • When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
  • You go out to buy her Spring-Fresh Extra-Light Panty Liners with Wings (+5)
    ......but return with beer (-5)
  • You check out suspicious noise at night (0)
    ..and it's nothing (0)
    ...and it's something (+5)
    ......you pummel it with a six iron (+10)
    .........it's her father (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:
  • You stay by her side the entire party (0)
  • You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
    ....named Tiffany (-4)
    .......Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
    ..........Tiffany has implants (-8)
  • When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
  • When mingling, you introduce her as "the old ball and chain" and pat her on the rump (-5)
  • When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think
  • she's attractive, you say "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1)
    ...you say "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed." (-6)
    ......that woman is her sister (-90)
  • You have one drink and that's it (0)
  • You have more than a few drinks and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)
  • You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)
SATURDAY AFTERNOON
  • You go to the mall together (+3)
  • You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
  • You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
  • You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
  • You spend the day shopping for furniture and nap on a sectional (0)
  • You spend the day at a wholesale club buying in bulk (+3)
    ..most of it chips and beer (-6)
  • You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
    ..or refinishing the floors (+16)
    .....or rewiring the basement (+17)
    .......or adding a second floor (+18)
    .........or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom waste-basket (-6)
    ......and you're tickled pink about it (-15)
  • You visit her parents (0)
  • You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
  • You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the TV (-3)
    ...and the TV is off (-6)
  • You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
    ....and you didn't even go to college (-10)
    ........and it's not your underwear (-15)
HER BIRTHDAY
  • You take her out to dinner (0)
  • You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
    ...okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
    ......and it's "all-you-can-eat" night (-3)
    .........and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team(-10)
  • You go to a nice pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player, and get up and sing (+4)
    ...if you stink (+2)
    .....if you're not half bad (+5)
    ......if you sing a Barry Manilow song and are escorted out to much applause (-2)
  • You give her a gift (0)
    ......it's a small appliance (-10)
    ........it's not a small appliance (+1)
    ..............it's not chocolate (+2)
    ................it's something you'll be paying off for months (+30)
  • You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
    .....with her credit card (-30)
    ........and it's two sizes too big (-40)
THOUGHTFULNESS
  • You forget her birthday completely (-120)
    ..You forget your anniversary (-30)
    ....You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-45)
    .......which is in Newark, New Jersey (-50)
    ..........and the pouring rain completely dissolves her leg cast (-60)
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
  • Go out with a pal (-5)
    ..and the pal is happily married (-4)
    ....and the pal is frighteningly single (-7)
    ......and he drives a Mustang (-10)
    ..........with a personalised license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)
  • You have a few beers (-9)
    ..and miss curfew by an hour (-12)
    .....and you didn't call (-20)
  • You get home at 3 am (-30)
    ...smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-40)
    ......and not wearing any pants (-50)
    .........is that a tattoo?!? (-200)
HER NIGHT OUT
  • You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friends from work (+5)
  • She goes out with her annoying friends from work and she comes home late (+10)
    ...you wait up (+15)
    .....She comes home late and drunk and you put her to bed (+20)
A NIGHT OUT TOGETHER
  • You take her to a movie (+2)
    ...a movie she likes (+4)
    .....a movie you hate (+6)
    .......a movie you like (-6)
    .........it's called "DeathCop 3" (-3)
    ............which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
    ...............you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
A NIGHT AT HOME
  • You watch TV together (0)
  • You rent a movie (+2)
    ...it's "Sense and Sensibility" (+3)
    .....you stay awake throughout (+5)
    .......you fall asleep (-1)
    ........you fall asleep and drool (-2)
FLOWERS
  • You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)
  • You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)
  • You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+30)
  • ....and she contracts Lyme disease (-25)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
    ...and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
    ........and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)
FINANCES
  • You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)
    ...something she can't use (-10)
    ......such as a motorised model aeroplane (-20)
    .........and she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)
DRIVING
  • You lost the directions on a trip (-4)
    ...and end up getting lost (-10)
    ......in a bad part of town (-15)
    .........and meet the locals up-close and personal (-25)
    ............and you know them (-60)
THE BIG QUESTION
  • She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
    ........you hesitate in responding (-10)
    ...........You reply, "Where?" (-35)
COMMUNICATION
  • When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
  • When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen for over 30 minutes (+5)
    ...without looking at the TV (+10)
    ......she realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)

Honk if You're Stupid

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Beach Puzzle

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk along the beach each day. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the police, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes!" he replied.

"She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!"