Blessed are the cracked

...for they let in the light. 

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. God must love stupid people; She made so many.
12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 
15. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
16. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
17. Procrastinate now!
18. I have an Arts degree; do you want fries with that?
19. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
20. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
21. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
22. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
23. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
24. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
25. Ham and eggs... a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
26. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
28. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.