Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Then I Saw Her Face

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face...

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Flying High

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be just super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-groomed woman with a superior air, who hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Irish Mathematics

An Irishman applies for a job but the boss won't hire him unless he passes a simple math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman says, "Without using numbers, represent the number nine."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says? "Dat is easy."

And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the asks.

"Have you got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes nine", says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

"Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree and dirty tree plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

That Irishman is now the CEO of Qantas.

Monday, January 02, 2012

Take Note

An old man and woman were sitting at their dinner table, and the woman asks, "Do you want anything for dessert?", to which the man replies, "Yes! But this time you'd better take notes. Ok?"

"I don't need notes, I can remember", was the curt reply.

"Ok, fine, first I want two scoops of vanilla ice cream. You taking notes?", asked the old man.

"No! I can remember; two scoops of ice cream!", replied the old woman.

"And chocolate syrup, and a chopped banana on the side. Are you sure you won't take notes?", pleaded the old man.

"No! I can remember. Two scoops of ice cream. Chocolate syrup. Banana on the side! Is that all?", another curt reply from the old woman.

"Yes. That's all! But perhaps you should take notes.", begged the old man.

"No! I'll be back in a minute", replied the old woman.

Five minutes later, the old woman returned with bacon and eggs, with fried tomatoes, two sausages and some toast. The old man shook his head in exasperation, and said, "See! You should have taken notes; where's the tomato sauce?"