Thursday, December 21, 2006


A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Woolies with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Woolworths, nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would root you twice!"

Friday, December 08, 2006

Nudist Colony

An old man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £250 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 15 times a day."

Parallel Parking

Workplace Quiz: Do you recognise these Ashes stars at your office?

Flintoff (Warehouse Stock Coordinator): If he ever has a day off sick, the place will fall apart. Or to use a cricket analogy: if he doesn’t take all the wickets and score all the runs, it’s just not going to happen.

Harmison (Creative Director): Big reputation, big salary – has to be carried by rest of the team.

Watson (IT Manager): Offers key solutions to all problems but keeps crashing. Hamstrung by software problems.

Warnie (PR Director): Always on the phone, always spinning something, always out for long lunches. A genius. Regularly embarrasses himself at the office Christmas party.

Pietersen (New Business Manager): The young bull, poached from rival company, who can star on occasions but ego might be a problem.

McGrath (Production Line Manager): The 70-year-old manager who just can’t let go and you know what, is still better than the kids out of uni trying to take his job.

S. Clark (Assistant Workflow Manager): Not rated, hangs around in the warehouse, and you suddenly realise he’s been singlehandedly holding contracts together for the past 12 months.

Langer (Accounts): Accident-prone 67-year-old veteran with a head for figures. Refuses to retire. Somehow keeps up with changes to GST and other tax legislation. Likes martial arts.

Martyn (Retail Manager): The irritating but smooth bloke you’re always trying to get rid of but customers love him and he sells just enough to keep his place.

G. Jones (Office Assistant): The PA you feel a bit sorry for because he has no idea, but the boss likes him and will give him time to develop. Who knows? He may even make a competent middle manager one day.

Lee (Sales Executive): The face of the company with a big laugh, a flash car and charisma to burn. Does he ever sell anything? No idea.

Ponting (Managing Director): There were early question marks over his commitment and longevity in the company, but he’s matured and now is responsible for more than half the company’s turnover all by himself, while also managing the office.

Giles (Assistant Marketing Manager): Been at the company for years, nobody likes him, nobody rates what he does. Must have compromising photos of the boss to keep his job.

Vaughan (CEO): Allegedly in charge but hasn’t been seen around the office for months. His shadow remains.

Bell (Accounts Manager): The university graduate with the Rhodes Scholarship who has now been with the firm for more than a year, lords over the blue collar workers but is yet to actually deliver when it matters.

MacGill (Marketing Manager): Annoying worker who wants to be PR Director but can’t get a shot at the job. Request for office car and phone rejected. Attends Anger Management courses.

Panesar (Intern): Always smiling, keen, energetic, model employee. Strangely overlooked for promotion at every turn.

Hair (Company Secretary): Recently retrenched (suddenly). Last seen being led from the building by security.

New Australian Coat-of-Arms

Click to enlarge...
New Australian Coat of Arms


The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph "It´s better than Derek."