Sunday, September 30, 2007

Mind Control

Two KGB agents are taking a walk in a Moscow suburb. One says to the other, "You know Dimitri, I have had training to control anyone through the power of my mind."

"Really? Prove it!" replies Pavel.

Dimitri pointed to a long queue of people outside a bakery.

"See that queue. I can make the owner come out and tell them that he has sold out. Watch"

Dimitri closed his eyes and concentrated on the shop. Sure enough after one minute the owner popped out and announced that he had completely sold out. The queue dispersed but the people complained loudly that there was clearly plenty of bread for sale.

Both agents walked on.

"Hmm, impressive but I am still not convinced," said Pavel.

The two continued until they reached a miserable part of the city.

"See that apartment block?" said Dimitri. "Well, just watch, I can make the owner of that one on the fifth floor throw out his TV."

"Go ahead," said Pavel.

So Dimitri closed his eyes concentrated on the apartment. After two minutes nothing had happened.

"Ha! What rubbish," said Pavel.

Dimitri raised his hands skywards as if to invoke a deity. Five more minutes passed.

"Oh come on lets go. This just proves it's all rubbish," insisted Pavel.

"One last try," said Dimitri and he screwed up his face and concentrated with all his might.

After two minutes a man ran to the fifth floor balcony screaming "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I DON'T HAVE A TV!"

Tuesday, September 25, 2007


A collection of quotes from Dubya:

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. "

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. "

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe, we are a part of Europe."

"Public speaking is very easy."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. "

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. "

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Alex, Tom Cruise, Dubya and The Pope

Alex was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK Alex, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Alex and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Alex! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Alex's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Alex that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Alex says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Alex says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Alex on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Alex, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Alex, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Alex. "I've known the Pope for years."

So off they fly to Rome. Alex and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Alex says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Alex emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Alex returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss's side, Alex asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... You and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Alex?"

Monday, September 17, 2007


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Elephantine Memory

In 1986 Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant nor the events of that day.

Twenty years later Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Miss Teeny Brain USA

Upton was asked: "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Upton replied: "I personally believe that Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."

Monday, September 10, 2007

Bronze Rodent

A tourist walked into a Sydney antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the shop owner and asked "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's $11 for the rat and $100 for the story." The tourist gave the owner $11 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and were following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his pace and ran on towards the harbour, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their millions, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Kiwi, a Collingwood supporter, a telemarketer and anything from the Liberal party..."

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Calm and Collected

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a two dollar coin. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The dad realises the boy has swallowed the two dollar coin, and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the money, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back
to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies. "I work for the Australian Tax Office."

Monday, September 03, 2007

Boss Quotes

The following were voted the top quotes from "Pointy Haired Bosses" in corporate America, circa 2004:
  1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
    -- Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA

  2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
    -- Lykes Lines Shipping

  3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
    -- Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company

  4. "This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
    -- Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service

  5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
    -- Plant manager, Delco Corporation

  6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
    -- R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp

  7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
    -- Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation

  8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for a Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
    -- Shipping executive, FTD Florists

  9. "We know that communication is a problem but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
    -- Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division