Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Marriage Made In Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder whether they could possibly get married in Heaven.

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out."

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat exhausted. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" exclaimed the happy couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What’s wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON!” St. Peter shouted.

"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Pain in all the wrong places

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

My First

Monday, November 08, 2010



  1. "Who Represents" helps you can find the agent that represents any celebrity: www.WhorePresents.com
  2. "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.ExpertSexChange.com
  3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than "Pen Island": www.PenisLand.net
  4. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder": www.TheRapistFinder.com
  5. Then there's the "Italian Power Generator" company: www.PowerGenitalia.com
  6. "IP computer" software, there's always: www.IPAnywhere.com
  7. And the designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site: www.SpeedoFart.com

Friday, September 24, 2010

Travel Security Alerts

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The British have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO withdrawing from Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines are ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security level from "baaa" to "BAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air-force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes, and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I Hope Australia Will Come and Rescue Us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll be Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie this Weekend" and "The Barbie is Cancelled". There hasn't been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

This Weekend in Melbourne

I have four extra tickets for Robbie Knievel's (son of Evil Knievel) event this weekend in Melbourne, if anybody wants them.

Robbie will attempt to jump 1,000 Collingwood supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

Good Old Collingwood

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Billy Connolly: Colonoscopy

iWine 2.0

Copping it Sweet

  1. You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.
  2. Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.
  3. If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.
  4. If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
  5. Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.
  6. You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?
  7. Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?
  8. Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.
  9. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
  10. Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey shit.
  11. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
  12. In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.
  13. Just how big were those "two beers" you say you had?
  14. No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.
  15. I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.
  16. You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't... Sign here.

Teacher's Pet Hate

  1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
  2. I would not allow this student to breed.
  3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
  4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
  7. This child has been working with glue too much.
  8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
  9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
  10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
  11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
  12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Awkward Moment

"Madam, can you press the 2nd floor button for me please?"

Taiwanese News of the Australian Election

Cunning Linguists

Saturday, August 14, 2010

CDC Medical Alert

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.

Gynaecological Exam

A beautiful woman visited a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at the gorgeous woman and his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately asked her to undress.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps that might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're catching herpes, which is why I came here In the first place."

Workplace Phrasebook

  1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
  6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
  14. How about never? Is never good for you?
  15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
  17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .
  19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
  22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
  23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
  24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Via AJokeADay.com

Fighting Terrorism One Blonde at a Time

George W. Bush and Dick Cheney hold a press conference to announce their plan to combat global terrorism. Bush admits to the assembled journos that his solution did come with a human cost.

"Bombing the terrorist hideouts will mean that 1.5 million Arabs and a blonde with large breasts would die".

Several journalists immediately asked, "Who is this blonde?"

Bush turns round to Cheney and says, "What did I tell you - no one gives a shit about the Arabs."

Father and Son

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked the man why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I'm a Father."

The little boy replied, "My father doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, growing impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

Wisdom of the Aged

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer thinks that seniors are so dumb that he could easily get one over on the old codger.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Aboriginal Meteorology

It was April and the Aborigines in a remote part of the Northern Territory asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. However, being a practical man, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?"

The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold."

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter."

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked.

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, "Our satellites have reported that the Aborigines in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign."

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Chairlympian in Training


  1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
  2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
  3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
  8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
  9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
  10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
  11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
  12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
  13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
  14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
  15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
  16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
  17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
  19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
  20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Work Ethic

Periodic Table of Swearing

Click to enlarge...

Via Modern Toss

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Emergency Alternative Medicine

Papal Blessing

The Pope and Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia, are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd at the AFL Grand Final.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Rudd and said, "Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me?"

So the Pope backhanded the little bastard.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Shiny Gynie

I was due for an appointment with my gynaecologist late in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.

The trip to her office took about thirty five minutes, so I didn't have much time to spare. As most women do, I like to make a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the wash-cloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the wash-cloth in the clothes basket, grabbed some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day was normal: some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my wash-cloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Third Wish

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Sheesh! I wish you'd make up your mind," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

Sunday, May 30, 2010

AMA Responds to Rudd's Health Plan

The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the new Rudd health care proposals:

The Allergists voted to scratch it but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Canberra.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Dockers Punishment

AAP Reuters 19 May 2010: Fremantle rocked by drug scandal

After investigations by the AFL Commission suggested that a Fremantle player was involved in the use of illegal drugs, the AFL have taken a hard-nosed approach to the problem and stripped the Fremantle Football Club of all awards won over the past 15 years.

The AFL Commissioner was seen leaving Fremantle Oval this morning with:
  • 15 participation certificates
  • three junior whoppers with cheese value meals
  • seven chocolate frogs
  • two wooden spoons
Insiders close to the club state that the club is devastated.

Dan the Man: A life in 8-bits

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Harry Potter, Suicide, Dwarf

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to pieces.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf who was pick-pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Cracking Breasts

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect breasts. He approaches her and asks, "Lassy, would ye let me bite yer breasts for £100?"

"Are you mad?!" she replies, and keeps walking.

He turns, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would ye let me bite yer breasts for £1,000?", he asks.

"Listen, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?", she responds.

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would ye let me bite yer breasts just once for £10,000?"

She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmm, £10,000. Alright, just once but not here. Let's go to that alley over there."

So they enter the alley, where she removes her blouse to reveal her perfect breasts.

As soon as he sees them, the Scotsman grabs them, starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face between them, but does not bite them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you going to bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman. "Costs too much."

Monday, April 26, 2010

Survey Says

Last month a world survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure because of the following:
  1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
  2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
  3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
  4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
  5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
  6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
  7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
  8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Monday, April 19, 2010

St Patrick: Patron Saint of Alcoholics

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shite", he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shite, Shite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the side-walk, and falls flat on his face again.

"Be Jaysus... I'm feckin' fecked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No feckin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Feck it" and drags himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was feckin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned...

You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Facebook: Become a Fan


All About Eve

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be very smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...

"You know, woman to woman."

Friday, March 19, 2010

Walking Eagle

On a recent tour or North America, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of Native Americans in Kitimat, BC in view of his experiences handling the indigenous situation in Australia.

He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing all indigenous peoples' standard of living. At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Native American name - "Walking Eagle".

The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left. A news reporter later asked the Chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.

The Chiefs replied: "Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly".

Monday, March 08, 2010

The Pope and Tiger Woods

The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day but due to an administrative error His Holiness went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, who, after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it will be 24 hours before the problem can be rectified".

The next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bid him farewell. On the way up to Heaven, the Pope meets Tiger Woods on his way down to Hell, and they stop for a chat.

Pope: "Sorry about the mix up."
Tiger: "No problem."
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven."
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
Tiger: "You're a day late."

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Questionable Answers

Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin.

Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie.

Question: Jeff has been asked to collect data about the amount of television his friends watch. Think of an appropriate question he could ask them.
Answer: How much TV do you watch?

Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones.

Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death.

Question: What are the Pyramids?
Answer: The Pyramids are a large mountain range which splits France and Spain.

Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television.

Question: In Pride and Prejudice, at what moment does Elizabeth Bennet realise her true feelings for Mr Darcy?
Answer: When she sees him coming out of the lake.

Question: What do we call a person forced to leave their home perhaps by a natural disaster or war, without having another home to go to.
Answer: Homeless.

Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony.

Question: In the Hawaiian Islands, there are around 500 different species of fruit fly. Give a reason for this.
Answer: There are approximately 500 varieties of fruit.

Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.
Answer: Fire.

Question: Define the term "intensive farming".
Answer: It is when a farmer never has a day off.

Question: Change 7/8 to a decimal.
Answer: 7.8

Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar.

Question: Redundancy is often an unpleasant and unexpected event in someone's life. Give two examples of unexpected life events.
Answer: 1) death 2) reincarnation

Question: What was introduced in the Children's Charter of 1908?
Answer: Children.

Question: Explain the word "wholesaler".
Answer: Someone who sells you whole items - e.g., a whole cake

Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria.

Question: What artificial waterway runs between the Mediterranean and Red Seas?
Answer: The Sewage Canal.

Question: Name one famous Greek landmark.
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse.

Question: Expand 2(x+y)
Answer: 2 ( x + y )
2  (  x  +  y  )
2    (    x    +    y    )

Question: Assess Fashion House's choice to locate its factory near Birmingham. Is Birmingham the right location for this type of business?
Answer: No. People from Birmingham aren't very fashionable.

Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.

Question: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Answer: Unusual names.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Paradise Lost

Since singer Susan Boyle, who professes to being a virgin, has been on TV, there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings around the world.

Apparently, many Islamic terrorists hadn't realized what a virgin looks like.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Ten Rules for Happiness

Ten rules for men to follow for a happy life:
  1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
  2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
  3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
  4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
  5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
  6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
  7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
  8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
  9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
  10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:

For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:

Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back...

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My Living Will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.


Honestly, some folk will take offence at anything; I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

A Tasmanian girl sent an email to an Agony Aunt: "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is gay?"

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the porn channel in my room disabled?" "No," she replies, "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

A bloke goes to the doctor with hearing problems, the doctor asks, "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" "Yes... Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

Fairytale for Blokes

Once upon a time, a man asked a woman, "Will you marry me?"

The woman said, "No!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing and shooting, and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch, and had tonnes of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

Unhappy Valentines

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Age Activated Attention Deficiency Disorder

Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficiency Disorder.

Here's how AAADD manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice on the porch table mail that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the rubbish, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of cola I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the cola aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The cola is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cola, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need water.

I put the cola on the bench and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the bench, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of cola sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only one cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.