Sunday, August 30, 2009

Suicide Call Centre

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got transferred to a call centre that turned out to be in Islamabad. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Love Your Work

By Skyflash

Awkward Family Photos

Political Tragedy

Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Rudd if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

A little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy".

"No", said Kevin, "That would be an accident".

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy".

"I'm afraid not", explained Kevin, "That's what we would call great loss".

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said, "If a plane carrying you, Julia Gillard and Wayne Swan was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Kevin. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either!"

Blonde Tattoo

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds "It's really cool. If you put your left ear up against it, you can smell the ocean."

Miracle Water

Three disabled men, a blind man, an amputee, and a man in a wheelchair, are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic Games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled men, the only survivors, are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them but no one shows.

They start to get really thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the man in the wheelchair. Eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.

The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he is refused. The man in the chair is sceptical and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE!

Now the man in the wheelchair is getting really excited and starts pushing with all his might. He goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold... NEW TIRES!

Garfunkel and Oates: Pregnant Women are Smug

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Why I Fired My PA

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone wish me a happy birthday.

I thought, "That's marriage for you but the kids, they'll remember". My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my personal assistant Jenny smiled at me and said, "Good morning boss, and happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jenny knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?"

I said, "Thanks, Jenny, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch but not where we normally go. Instead, Jenny chose a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jenny said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jenny turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Drunken Insight

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected
  • A litre of full-cream milk.
  • A carton of free-range eggs.
  • A litre of 100% orange juice.
  • A head of iceberg lettuce.
  • A packet of ground fair-trade coffee.
  • A packet of smoked bacon.
I was unloading my items onto the checkout conveyor belt whilst a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier rang up my purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a little startled by this proclamation but I was intrigued by the inebriated gentleman's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk as to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly!"

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Holden Racing Team Fires Pit-Crew

This announcement followed Holden Racing Team's decision to take advantage of the Australian government's "Work for the Dole" scheme and employ some out-of-work teenagers.

The decision was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Thornlie were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas HRT's professional crew could only do it in 12 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high-tech gear.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the HRT management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Holden an advantage over every other team.

However, HRT got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the young pit-crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the SuperCheap Auto Racing team for eight slabs of Emu Bitter, a bag of weed and some photos of Russell Ingall's girlfriend in the shower.

Betting on Blonde

Bob walked into a bar, sat down next to an attractive blonde and stared up at the TV. The 10pm news was airing the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and asked "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 6pm bulletin, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

Female Conundrums

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."


Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Q: Why do men "pass wind" more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.


Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.


I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Garden of Eden

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion - a woman.

He said, "This beautiful lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you."

"She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement."

"She will praise you."

"She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them."

"She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Male Bashing

One day housework-challenged husband, Jim, decided to wash his pull-over. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry, he shouts to his wife, Jane, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," Jane replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
Jim yelled back, "University of Queensland".


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he steps out of the shower.

"Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man
Love to forgive him
And Patience for his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.


Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men.


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual".

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Kiwi Condoms

Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Kevin, it's Nicola Roxon, Health Minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency. I've just received word that the Ansell factory in Sydney has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week!"

Rudd: Shit! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!

Roxon: We're going to have to ship some in from Britain.

Rudd: No chance! The Poms will have a field day on this one!

Roxon: What about New Zealand?

PM: Ok, call John Key and tell him we need ten million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick! That way they'll continue to respect the Wallabies!

Three days later a delighted Kevin rushes out to open the boxes. He finds ten million condoms; 10 inches long, 3 inches thick, all coloured black and white, with a silver fern printed on each one and embossed with:

SIZE: Small


One day an old fox starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old fox thinks, "Oh, no! I'm done for."

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching feline. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old fox exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts her attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over her and she slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old fox nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old fox sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old fox sees the leopard coming with the monkey on her back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the fox sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old fox says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"