Wednesday, November 14, 2012

And Stay Out!

The wife was screaming at her husband, "Leave! Get out of this house!"

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a slow and painful death!" 

He turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Thomas the Tank Engine Derailed

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS! When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."

Friday, August 24, 2012

The note

The wife left a note on the fridge:

It's not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my mother's 

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. No idea what she was on about!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Sack the sub-editor

Alleged to be genuine headlines:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Friday, August 10, 2012

Blessed are the cracked

...for they let in the light. 
  1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.
  2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
  6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  9. I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
  10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  11. God must love stupid people; She made so many.
  12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  13. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 
  15. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
  16. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
  17. Procrastinate now!
  18. I have an Arts degree; do you want fries with that?
  19. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  20. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  21. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
  22. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  23. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
  24. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
  25. Ham and eggs... a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  26. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
  28. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Monday, August 06, 2012

Trouble and Strife

Listening to the radio this morning, the host invited callers to reveal their nicknames for their wives. The pick of the bunch was from a brave chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman"...

Absolutely no interest for 36 months.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokian: a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people look intelligent until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right; only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "In case of emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of her most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick, so she dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper: "Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?"

"Yes, he's out in the garden," whispered the small voice.

"May I please speak with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

So the boss asked, "Well, is mum there?"

"Yes, she's out in the garden too."

The boss asked, "May I speak with her please?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was someone with whom she could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a policeman would be doing at her employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the police-dog men."

Growing more worried as she heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"It's a helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

"The search team just landed a helicopter."

"A search team?" said the boss.

"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"ME!"

Friday, June 22, 2012

Pool Leak

I was at the pool last Sunday and decided to have a sneaky piss at the deep end. The life guard must have noticed, he blew his whistle so damned loudly, I nearly fell in.

1 Magician 1 Cup

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Last Will

A bloke lounging in his armchair shouts to his wife, "When I die I'm going to leave everything to you love!"

She shouts back, "You already do you lazy bastard!"

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Indian School of Business

LESSON 1

Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: I will choose my own bride!
Rajpat: But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.
Son: Ah, in that case... ok.

Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.

Rajpat: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry!
Rajpat: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case... ok.

Finally, Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Rajpat: I have a young man to recommend as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!
Rajpat: But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case... ok.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Pain Threshold

It's claimed that childbirth is much more painful for women than a knee to the testicles is for men.

This is obviously untrue.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman often says, "It’d be nice to have another baby."

You never hear a bloke say, "I wouldn't mind another kick in the nuts."

Case closed.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Urgent eBay help needed!

Do you know how to retract a bid on eBay?

I submitted a bid of $72.50 on a Mickey Mouse outfit. Now, I am only 19 minutes away from winning Gillard's entire cabinet!

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Viagra Side-Effects

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines.  "Thanks for asking but I'm not hungry right now.  It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asks him if he'd like something to eat.  "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

Again he declines.  "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time she asks him if he wants anything to eat.  "Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?  Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again.  "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up?  I'm starving!"

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Somebody Rudd Used to Know

Lesbian Neighbours

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Sean Connery in the Library

Sean Connery is sitting comfortably in his library doing a spot of reading, when suddenly a large pile of books falls on top of him.

Mr. Connery remarks, "I only have my shelf to blame."

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Then I Saw Her Face

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face...

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Flying High

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be just super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-groomed woman with a superior air, who hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
 
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Irish Mathematics

An Irishman applies for a job but the boss won't hire him unless he passes a simple math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman says, "Without using numbers, represent the number nine."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says? "Dat is easy."

And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the asks.

"Have you got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes nine", says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

"Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree and dirty tree plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

That Irishman is now the CEO of Qantas.

Monday, January 02, 2012

Take Note

An old man and woman were sitting at their dinner table, and the woman asks, "Do you want anything for dessert?", to which the man replies, "Yes! But this time you'd better take notes. Ok?"

"I don't need notes, I can remember", was the curt reply.

"Ok, fine, first I want two scoops of vanilla ice cream. You taking notes?", asked the old man.

"No! I can remember; two scoops of ice cream!", replied the old woman.

"And chocolate syrup, and a chopped banana on the side. Are you sure you won't take notes?", pleaded the old man.

"No! I can remember. Two scoops of ice cream. Chocolate syrup. Banana on the side! Is that all?", another curt reply from the old woman.

"Yes. That's all! But perhaps you should take notes.", begged the old man.

"No! I'll be back in a minute", replied the old woman.

Five minutes later, the old woman returned with bacon and eggs, with fried tomatoes, two sausages and some toast. The old man shook his head in exasperation, and said, "See! You should have taken notes; where's the tomato sauce?"