Saturday, January 31, 2009

I bet he's kicking himself now.

Barack Obama: first black US president; Lewis Hamilton: first black F1 driver; Wil Smith: most in-demand movie actor; Tiger Woods: world's best golfer; Michael Jackson: fuck!

Luck of the Irish

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.

The padre said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan, and didn't I marry ye and your husband not two years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And have ye been blessed with any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well, now, I'm goin' to Rome next week, I'll light a candle for ye and your husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye Father."

They then parted ways.

Some years later, they met again.

The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye been blessed with any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! T'ree sets o' twins and four singles - 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is your husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Tunnel Slapper

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand-print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed, fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Job Market 2009

Expand Your Vocubulary

AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a "black box".

AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French kiss but given down-under.

BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first pee in the pub, usually after two hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS: Rhyming slang for "beers", e.g. "Couple of Britneys please".

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The "no-stars" comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming slang for "Stella" (the lager).

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a big mistake, e.g. you've hit Reply-All.

PEARL HARBOUR: Cold weather, e.g. "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there." There's a nasty nip in the air.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.

SALAD DODGER: An overweight person.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

SINBAD: Single working girls - Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate.

SITCOM: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What YUPPYs turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWAMP DONKEY: A profoundly unattractive woman.

TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

TESTICULATING: Waving your arms about whilst talking bollocks.

TRAMP STAMP: Tattoo on a female.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Brain Transplant

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

An Texan doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."