Sunday, July 30, 2006

Hoff Soap

Hearing Aids II

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Hearing Aids I

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Brokeback Mountain Ranch

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She agonised long and hard about it but when nobody else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing well. Then one day, the widow said "You've done a really good job... the ranch looks great... you deserve a night on the town to kick up your heels."

The hired hand agreed with alacrity and took up the offer on Saturday night.

One o'clock came and he hadn't returned.

Two o'clock, and still no sign of him.

He finally returned around two-thirty, and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her: "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots..." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." With trembling hands he did as he was told, and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly eased them down. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

End of the World - WTF!

It's the end of the world...

If Darth Vader had Invaded Japan

Saturday, July 08, 2006


Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Offside Rule Explained for Women

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes! BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!

White Rabbit Test

The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a forest and tells each agency to catch it.

The FBI goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive investigations the FBI concludes rabbits do not exist.

The CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest, killing everything, including the rabbit. It makes no apologies; the rabbit had it coming, they insist.

The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

John Howard hears about George jnr's idea and decides to test Australian law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest, near Canberra.

The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promises that if it gets a budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.

The Victorian police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self-defence," they explain.

The NSW police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out their minds.

The Queensland police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, with scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.

The WA police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of tea.

The SA and NT police join forces and beat the crap out of every rabbit in the forest, except the white one. They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble.

The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues,particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high overtime, and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be returned to the referring authority for further analysis.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.

Soccer Genius

Comments attributed to the Australian World Cup Socceroos...

"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
Tim Cahill

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka.

"Guus Hiddink is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
Lucas Neill.

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
John Aloisi.

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Ned Zelic.

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Mark Schwarzer.

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Vince Grella.

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Harry Kewell.

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Mile Sterjovski.

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."
Mark Viduka.

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Craig Moore.

"I took a whack on my left ankle but something told me it was my right."
Harry Kewell.

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Vince Grella.

"Germany is a very difficult team to play... they have 11 internationals out there."
Zeljko Kalac.

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Jason Culina.

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Scott Chipperfield.

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Marco Bresciano.

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Craig Moore.

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Mark Viduka.

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Harry Kewell

Water vs. Alcohol

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, by the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of the Escherichia Coli bacteria commonly found in water containing faeces.

In other words, we are consuming one kilo of shit.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.

THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than
to drink water and be full of it!!

Become Republican

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.