Friday, December 21, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
His wife was really angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in less than six seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.
When Rick's wife woke up she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, his wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
Monday, December 03, 2007
10. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
9. Jaws: The Revenge
"Salieri has pianist envy"
7. Saving Private Ryan
"Brother gets own bedroom"
6. Best in Show
"This is Spaniel Tap"
5. Eyes Wide Shut
"Pretty shitty gang bang"
"The great S cape"
3. The Blair Witch Project
"Tense. Intense. In tents"
"Icy dead people"
1. Kramer vs. Kramer
"I bet Kramer wins"
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
Another study found that Australians drink an average of 80 litres of beer a year.
That means, on average, Australians get about 17 kms per litre.
Not bad, eh?
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
"Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times, caught by Pinkerton Detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
DISTRICT OF NEW HAMPSHIRE
Charles Jay Wolff
New Hampshire Department of Corrections, et al.
Plaintiff has filed a hard-boiled egg as part of his preliminary injunction request.
No fan I am
Of the egg at hand.
Just like no ham
On the kosher plan.
This egg will rot
I kid you not.
And stink it can
This egg at hand.
There will be no eggs at court
To prove a clog in your aort.
There will be no eggs accepted.
Objections all will be rejected.
From this day forth
This court will ban
hard-boiled eggs of any brand.
And if you should not understand
The meaning of the ban at hand
Then you should contact either Dan,
the Deputy Clerk, or my clerk Jan.
I do not like eggs in the file.
I do not like them in any style.
I will not take them fried or boiled.
I will not take them poached or broiled.
I will not take them soft or scrambled
Despite an argument well-rambled.
No fan I am
Of the egg at hand.
Destroy that egg!
Today I say! Without delay!
SO ORDERED (with apologies to Dr. Seuss).
United States Magistrate Judge
Date: September 18, 2007
cc: Charles Jay Wolff, pro se
Andrew Livernois, Esq.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile avoiding eye contact with the women but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.
Q: I married a Miss Right.
A: I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Q: Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
A: It's called a Wedding Cake.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
From Quizmania (ITV quiz programme):
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with "T".
Scott: No, it's "T". "T" for Tommy. "T" for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right... (pause) Doctor.
Danny Kelly's radio show:
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What a Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
White: And if you're not weak, you're...?
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What a Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
Late Show (BBC Midlands)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
The Weakest Link (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
Beacon Radio (Wolverhampton)
DJ Mark: For 10 pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
The Weakest Link:
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?
GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
Magic 22 (BBC Northeast England)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Phone In (BBC):
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
Notts and Crosses (BBC radio Nottingham):
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant: (long pause) Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?
National Lottery (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
James O'Brien Show (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth... erm, three?
Chris Searle Show (Radio Bristol)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?
Notts and Crosses Quiz:
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant: (after pause) Pearl Harbour?
Steve Wright in the Afternoon (BBC2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Even Greater Britons...
Monday, October 08, 2007
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do; I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Richard kept diving in and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...
"OK, Monica, you're free to go.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
"That's incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would buy a seat like this for the AFL Grand Final and not use it?"
The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."
Sunday, September 30, 2007
"Really? Prove it!" replies Pavel.
Dimitri pointed to a long queue of people outside a bakery.
"See that queue. I can make the owner come out and tell them that he has sold out. Watch"
Dimitri closed his eyes and concentrated on the shop. Sure enough after one minute the owner popped out and announced that he had completely sold out. The queue dispersed but the people complained loudly that there was clearly plenty of bread for sale.
Both agents walked on.
"Hmm, impressive but I am still not convinced," said Pavel.
The two continued until they reached a miserable part of the city.
"See that apartment block?" said Dimitri. "Well, just watch, I can make the owner of that one on the fifth floor throw out his TV."
"Go ahead," said Pavel.
So Dimitri closed his eyes concentrated on the apartment. After two minutes nothing had happened.
"Ha! What rubbish," said Pavel.
Dimitri raised his hands skywards as if to invoke a deity. Five more minutes passed.
"Oh come on lets go. This just proves it's all rubbish," insisted Pavel.
"One last try," said Dimitri and he screwed up his face and concentrated with all his might.
After two minutes a man ran to the fifth floor balcony screaming "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I DON'T HAVE A TV!"
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. "
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. "
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe, we are a part of Europe."
"Public speaking is very easy."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. "
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. "
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK Alex, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Alex and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Alex! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Alex's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Alex that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Alex says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Alex says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Alex on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Alex, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Alex, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Alex. "I've known the Pope for years."
So off they fly to Rome. Alex and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Alex says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Alex emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Alex returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss's side, Alex asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... You and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Alex?"
Monday, September 17, 2007
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant nor the events of that day.
Twenty years later Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Upton was asked: "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?"
Upton replied: "I personally believe that Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."
Monday, September 10, 2007
It had no price tag but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the shop owner and asked "How much is this bronze rat?"
The owner replied: "It's $11 for the rat and $100 for the story." The tourist gave the owner $11 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and were following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his pace and ran on towards the harbour, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their millions, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"
"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Kiwi, a Collingwood supporter, a telemarketer and anything from the Liberal party..."
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Thursday, September 06, 2007
A well-dressed, attractive but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the money, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back
to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "I work for the Australian Tax Office."
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Monday, September 03, 2007
- "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
-- Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA
- "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
-- Lykes Lines Shipping
- "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
-- Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company
- "This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
-- Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service
- "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
-- Plant manager, Delco Corporation
- "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
-- R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp
- Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
-- Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation
- My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for a Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
-- Shipping executive, FTD Florists
- "We know that communication is a problem but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
-- Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
After weeks of this, he relents and sells his shop. The voice says, "Steve,, go to the casino." He asks why. "Steve, take the $3 million to the casino." He obeys and goes to a casino.
Then the voice says, "Steve, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." Steve hesitates but knows he must. He's dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.
"Steve, take a card." What? The dealer has... "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Steve gets an ace - nineteen. He breathes easy.
"Steve, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.
"Steve, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Steve shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.
Hit me, Steve says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.
The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"
Saturday, August 25, 2007
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says: "OK, now what?"
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Monday, August 06, 2007
The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it!
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well... you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
"What are the three tests?" he asks.
"Pay first..." says the bartender, "that's the rule."
So the man gives $10 to the bartender, who puts it in the jar.
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:
- You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it.
- There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
- There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
The man has a few drinks... then a few more. Finally, he asks, "wherrrre's zaaat tequiiiila?!"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears are streaming down both cheeks but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up. The people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now..." he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?!"
Sunday, August 05, 2007
"Hold on a minute," shouts the Pope, "you can't do that! You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."
"This picture is my lottery win," says the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."
So the Pope offers to buy the photographer's camera, and, after much negotiation, they agree on a figure of two million dollars.
The Pope then dries himself off, and heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera.
"That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million dollars," replies the Pope.
"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming!"
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later, "Da-ad..."
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No, you had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later, "Da-aaaad..."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my mum says it's a bitch to iron."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"
A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "...And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled but as the days went on I knew that my flock were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Monday, July 30, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
I love my boss he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest
I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation
I love my furniture, drab and gray, and piles of paper that grow each day
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers and jeers and sneers
I love my computer and its software
I hug it often though it won't care. I love each program and every file
I'd love them more if they worked a while
I am happy to be here. I am. I am
I'm the happiest slave of the firm, I am
I love this work, I love these chores
I love the meetings with deadly bores
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men
Those friendly men who've come today
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine.
What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some wine.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance".)
9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to do my Dad.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben's & Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
Monday, July 23, 2007
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's going to eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I asked, "What's wrong, love?"
She replied, "What happened to my snot?"
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offer as he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work. Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have any little hobbies yourself try not to bore him speaking of these, as women's interests are often rather trivial compared to men's.
At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband's breakfast is vital if he is to face the outside world in a positive fashion.
Once you have both retired to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.
When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be lead by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's is. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.
Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products.
You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
- Wipe your mouth, there’s still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.
- Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable… like a coma?
- Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
- Don’t believe everything you think.
- Well aren’t you just the most adorable black hole of need?
- Shhh… that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think.
- Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
- I don’t know what your problem is but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
- Don’t make me use UPPERCASE!
- If you have something to say, raise your hand… and place it over your mouth.
- You’re not yourself today… I noticed the improvement immediately!
- Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?
- Don’t let your mind wander… it’s too small to be let out on its own.
- I hear you changed your mind at last… what did you do with the diaper?
- Life is too short to dance with ugly men!
- I’m going south for the winter… actually… some parts of me are headed there already.
- If a man’s home is his castle… HE can learn to clean it!
- As long as there are TESTS there will be PRAYER in public schools!
- If there is a tourist season, how come we can’t shoot them?
- Everyone seems normal… until you get to know them.
- If you woke up breathing… congratulations! You have another chance.
- My sex life isn’t dead… but the buzzards are circling.
- My bra is more of a cross-your-waist.
- Good friends are like stars… you don’t always see them but you always know they are there.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... him in the upper bunk and her in the lower.
At 1:00am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied, "... get your own damned blanket."
After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web-site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski
Since you made such a mess
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky
And the winner is:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown
Saturday, July 07, 2007
LETTER OF THE DAY
The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn’t gone a hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car juddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I found him in the bedroom. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed up in my lingerie because couldn’t find any of his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he had been wearing my cloths for six months. I told him it had to stop, or I would leave him.
He was made redundant from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I have him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant, and I don't feel I can get through to him any more. Please can you help?
–Mrs. B, Essex
Miriam says... A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP! Police!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a licence for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Police! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizeable erection.
"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyser again!"
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
"It's simply unacceptable and stupid behaviour for our members to be associating with these types of people. Our members are role models and should know better", said the Club President.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Sunday, July 01, 2007
The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, "Crikey, what happened?"
He answers, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different bloke's turn. The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, "Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He says, "Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning," he says cheerfully.
His mates can't believe it. They ask, "Blimey, what happened?"
Frank says, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Then he sat up and watched me all night."
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
He orders the man out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
Sunday, June 24, 2007
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking but I assure you, Simon and I are just flat mates".
About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well I doubt it but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter.
So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying that you did take the frying pan from my house, I'm not saying that you did not take the frying pan but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:
I'm not saying that you do sleep with Simon and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Simon but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the fucking frying pan by now.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.