Curmudgeonly Quips

1. Wipe your mouth, there’s still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.
2. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable… like a coma?
3. Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
4. Don’t believe everything you think.
5. Well aren’t you just the most adorable black hole of need?
6. Shhh… that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think.
7. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
8. I don’t know what your problem is but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
9. Don’t make me use UPPERCASE!
10. If you have something to say, raise your hand… and place it over your mouth.
11. You’re not yourself today… I noticed the improvement immediately!
12. Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?
13. Don’t let your mind wander… it’s too small to be let out on its own.
14. I hear you changed your mind at last… what did you do with the diaper?
15. Life is too short to dance with ugly men!
16. I’m going south for the winter… actually… some parts of me are headed there already.
17. If a man’s home is his castle… HE can learn to clean it!
18. As long as there are TESTS there will be PRAYER in public schools!
19. If there is a tourist season, how come we can’t shoot them?
20. Everyone seems normal… until you get to know them.
21. If you woke up breathing… congratulations! You have another chance.
22. My sex life isn’t dead… but the buzzards are circling.
23. My bra is more of a cross-your-waist.
24. Good friends are like stars… you don’t always see them but you always know they are there.