Thursday, November 12, 2009
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Old Man on Sexy Women
Courtship advice from a senior citizen:
When you see a woman, and want her badly, please consider the following:
No matter how beautiful her face is...
No matter how curvaceous her body is...
No matter how cute and sweet her smile is...
No matter how round and tight her posterior is...
No matter how seductive her eyes are...
No matter how fragrant her hair is...
No matter how ample her breasts are...
I forgot what I was going to say.
Tommy Cooper One-Liners
One-liners attributed to Tommy Cooper:
- Two blondes walked into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
- Phone answering machine message "If you want marijuana, press the hash key."
- A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
- I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
- My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
- A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
- I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
- Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
- A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
- Man: "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
Man: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "'It's not unusual." - A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" asks the dog's owner. "No," replies the vet, "because he's really heavy."
- Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" the doctor asks. "Don't you start," says the guy.
- Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
- Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat bastard!"
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
- "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine. So that was nice."
- A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."
Bridge Over Troubled Waters
A man riding his Harley Davidson was riding along the Victorian coast road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The bikie pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic - think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of Bass Strait and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The bikie thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "So, do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
What the Bloody Hell are You Thinking?
Purported questions to Tourism Australia, and possible responses:
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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