Jesus Toast

Then I Saw Her Face

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face...

Every Presentation Ever

Flying High

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be just super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-groomed woman with a superior air, who hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
 
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"

Vinnie Jones: Hard and Fast

Irish Mathematics

An Irishman applies for a job but the boss won't hire him unless he passes a simple math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman says, "Without using numbers, represent the number nine."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says? "Dat is easy."

And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the asks.

"Have you got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes nine", says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

"Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree and dirty tree plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

That Irishman is now the CEO of Qantas.

Take Note

An old man and woman were sitting at their dinner table, and the woman asks, "Do you want anything for dessert?", to which the man replies, "Yes! But this time you'd better take notes. Ok?"

"I don't need notes, I can remember", was the curt reply.

"Ok, fine, first I want two scoops of vanilla ice cream. You taking notes?", asked the old man.

"No! I can remember; two scoops of ice cream!", replied the old woman.

"And chocolate syrup, and a chopped banana on the side. Are you sure you won't take notes?", pleaded the old man.

"No! I can remember. Two scoops of ice cream. Chocolate syrup. Banana on the side! Is that all?", another curt reply from the old woman.

"Yes. That's all! But perhaps you should take notes.", begged the old man.

"No! I'll be back in a minute", replied the old woman.

Five minutes later, the old woman returned with bacon and eggs, with fried tomatoes, two sausages and some toast. The old man shook his head in exasperation, and said, "See! You should have taken notes; where's the tomato sauce?"

The Deer Hunter blooper

Subtle humour

Sometimes my Jehovah’s Witness friends get mad at me for ignoring them when they try to tell me knock knock jokes.

My brother Ben has Alzheimer’s. I hope it isn’t hereditary because my brother Ben has Alzheimer’s.

I hate that if a girl has sex with a lot of guys everyone calls her a slut, yet if a guy does the same thing everyone calls him gay.

I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

I was going to tell a joke about Jonestown, but the punchline is too long.

If you put your ear next to a woman's leg you can actually hear her say what the fuck are you doing?

Don’t tease fat kids, they already have enough on their plates.

My friend told me I don't understand irony...
...which was ironic because I was standing at a bus stop at the time.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "I'll have some H2O." A second man then walks up and says, "I'll have some H2O too."
The second man dies.

Via AskReddit

Great Weekend

A balding, white-haired old man, walked into a jewellery store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl on his arm. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At this, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweller said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!"

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."

"I know, said the old man, but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"