Sunday, December 07, 2014

Something to offend everyone

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.. The police are blaming AL IKEA .

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.. "Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots...... Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics, Eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Monday, January 14, 2013

Walking the Dog

A flight from Melbourne to Brisbane was unexpectedly diverted to Sydney. The flight attendant explained that there would be a short delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, they could re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody exited the plane except for a blind lady. She remained seated with her seeing-eye dog lying quietly at her feet. The lady flew this route regularly and was recognised by one of the pilots as he left the aircraft.

He asked" "Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

"No thanks," she replied, "but maybe Max would like to stretch his legs. Could you take him for a walk please?"

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing-eye dog. The pilot was even wearing dark sunglasses.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

And Stay Out!

The wife was screaming at her husband, "Leave! Get out of this house!"

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a slow and painful death!" 

He turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Thomas the Tank Engine Derailed

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS! When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."

Friday, August 24, 2012

The note

The wife left a note on the fridge:

It's not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my mother's 

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. No idea what she was on about!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Sack the sub-editor

Alleged to be genuine headlines:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead