Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Priest and the Politician

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled but as the days went on I knew that my flock were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Lost Dr. Seuss Poem: I Love My Job

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day
I love my boss he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest

I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation
I love my furniture, drab and gray, and piles of paper that grow each day
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers and jeers and sneers
I love my computer and its software
I hug it often though it won't care. I love each program and every file
I'd love them more if they worked a while

I am happy to be here. I am. I am
I'm the happiest slave of the firm, I am
I love this work, I love these chores
I love the meetings with deadly bores
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men
Those friendly men who've come today
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The Hormone Guide

There are days in a woman's monthly cycle when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!





What's for dinner?

Can I help you with dinner?

Where would you like to go for dinner?

Here, have some wine.

Are you wearing that?

Wow, you sure look good in brown!

WOW! Look at you!

Here, have some wine.

What are you so worked up about?

Could we be overreacting?

Here's my paycheck.

Here, have some wine.

Should you be eating that?

You know, there are a lot of apples left.

Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

Here, have some wine.

What did you DO all day?

I hope you didn't over-do it today.

I've always loved you in that robe!

Here, have some wine.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Rejection Lines (and what they actually mean)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance".)
9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to do my Dad.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben's & Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

Monday, July 23, 2007

Finger Licking Good

I was packing for a business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's going to eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I asked, "What's wrong, love?"

She replied, "What happened to my snot?"

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Parallel Parking

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Good Wife Guide

Apparently an extract from "The Good Wife Guide" a home economics text book from the 1950s.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offer as he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work. Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have any little hobbies yourself try not to bore him speaking of these, as women's interests are often rather trivial compared to men's.

At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband's breakfast is vital if he is to face the outside world in a positive fashion.

Once you have both retired to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be lead by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's is. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products.

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

Source: ABC

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Curmudgeonly Quips

  1. Wipe your mouth, there’s still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.
  2. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable… like a coma?
  3. Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
  4. Don’t believe everything you think.
  5. Well aren’t you just the most adorable black hole of need?
  6. Shhh… that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think.
  7. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
  8. I don’t know what your problem is but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  9. Don’t make me use UPPERCASE!
  10. If you have something to say, raise your hand… and place it over your mouth.
  11. You’re not yourself today… I noticed the improvement immediately!
  12. Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?
  13. Don’t let your mind wander… it’s too small to be let out on its own.
  14. I hear you changed your mind at last… what did you do with the diaper?
  15. Life is too short to dance with ugly men!
  16. I’m going south for the winter… actually… some parts of me are headed there already.
  17. If a man’s home is his castle… HE can learn to clean it!
  18. As long as there are TESTS there will be PRAYER in public schools!
  19. If there is a tourist season, how come we can’t shoot them?
  20. Everyone seems normal… until you get to know them.
  21. If you woke up breathing… congratulations! You have another chance.
  22. My sex life isn’t dead… but the buzzards are circling.
  23. My bra is more of a cross-your-waist.
  24. Good friends are like stars… you don’t always see them but you always know they are there.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Marital Bliss

A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... him in the upper bunk and her in the lower.

At 1:00am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied, "... get your own damned blanket."

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Irish Floods Cause Panic

Click to enlarge...

Source: Joe-ks

You know you're living in 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web-site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile
: )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Lewinsky / Kaczyhnski Limerick

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the "Style Invitational". The requirements one week were to use the two words Lewinsky (the Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski
Since you made such a mess
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky

And the winner is:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Confused of Essex

Click to enlarge... (transcribed below)


Dear Miriam,

The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.

I hadn’t gone a hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car juddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I found him in the bedroom. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed up in my lingerie because couldn’t find any of his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he had been wearing my cloths for six months. I told him it had to stop, or I would leave him.

He was made redundant from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I have him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant, and I don't feel I can get through to him any more. Please can you help?

–Mrs. B, Essex

Miriam says... A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Daft Ethel

Daft Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors, shouting "Vroom, Vroom!" and making believe she was once again driving her car on the highway. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in to help her live her fantasy.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP! Police!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a licence for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Police! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizeable erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyser again!"

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Hell's Angels Press Release

After revelations that their members were out with Collingwood footballer Alan Didak, the Hell's Angels claim that they had no knowledge that their members were mixing with Collingwood players, and that they will be launching a full investigation to find and suspend the members concerned.

"It's simply unacceptable and stupid behaviour for our members to be associating with these types of people. Our members are role models and should know better", said the Club President.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Cure for Snoring

Six blokes go on a hunting trip. Their tents only have room for two men in each. No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.

The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.

His mates ask, "Crikey, what happened?"

He answers, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different bloke's turn. The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.

His mates ask, "Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He says, "Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning," he says cheerfully.

His mates can't believe it. They ask, "Blimey, what happened?"

Frank says, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Then he sat up and watched me all night."