Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Irish Castaway

An Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for more than ten years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he ruled out the possibility of it being a small boat or raft. Suddenly, there emerged from the surf a wetsuit-clad figure. After putting aside her scuba gear, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "How long has it been since you had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh packet of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.

"Faith and b'gorrah," exclaimed the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask and take a long drink.

"'Tis the nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "Truly fantastic".

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

Monday, April 28, 2008

Lemon Penance

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Almost Adulterous

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and deposit £50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Blatant Racial Discrimination

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time. The teacher says to the first child 'Hello Kylie, what have you been doing this playtime?'

Kylie replies, "I have been playing in the sand pit".

"Very good", says the teacher, "if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit."

Kylie duly goes and writes "s a n d" on the blackboard.

"Very good", says the teacher and gives Kylie a biscuit.

The teacher then says "Shane, what have you been doing in your playtime?"

Shane replies, "Playing with Kylie in the sand pit."

"Very good", says the teacher. "If you can spell 'pit' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit."

Shane duly goes and writes "p i t" on the blackboard.

"Very good", says the teacher and gives Shane a biscuit.

Teacher then says, "Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand pit with Kylie and Shane?"

"No", replies Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they wouldn't let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names."

"Oh dear," says the teacher. "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit".

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Aussie Rules Jokes

In AFL news...

Sam Newman's prostate is recovering in hospital after a successful operation to remove the malignant arsehole surrounding it.

It's no longer advisable for women confronted by Wayne Carey to suggest "You wouldn't hit a women with glasses."

McDonalds have announced a new Ben Cousins meal deal - no burger, no fries, just coke and ice.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Nina Conti and Monk

Sins of the Father

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."