Sunday, June 28, 2009

Irish Orgasm

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the local veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The vet didn't have a clue but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan with a big towel a cow that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the vet. The vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: "And that, me son, is how ya waves a fookin' towel!"

My Last Day Working at Bunnings

Sharing, Caring Marriage

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered: "The teeth."

Mere Males


(because they are plugged into a genius)


(they don't have enough time)


(they don't stop to ask directions)


(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)


(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


(don't know... it never happened)


(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Doctor Death

A man walks into a doctor's office.

"I have the results of your tests and I'm afraid you're going to die", says the doctor.

The man asks, "How long do I have to live?"

"Ten", replies the doctor.

"What the hell does that mean!", the man yells. "Ten years, ten months, ten weeks, what?"

The doctor replies, "Nine."

Kiwi Hindu

One Kiwi asked another: What's a Hindu?
The other Kiwi replied: It lays iggs.

Devalued Definitions

Chief Embezzlement Officer.

Corporate Fraud Officer.

A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

A 6 to 18 month period when children receive no pocket money, wives get no jewellery, and husbands get no sex.

The art of buying low and selling lower.

The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

What my broker has made me.

Your life in a nutshell.

The idiot who just downgraded your stock.

When your ex and his/her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

The day after you buy stocks.

The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

Past year investor who's now locked up in an insane asylum.

An archaic word no longer in use.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Debt Recovery

In a small farming hamlet, it's raining and the little town looks totally deserted. These are tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a $100 note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.

The hotel proprietor takes the $100 note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the $100 note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the $100 note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his $100 note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that is how Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Treasurer Wayne Swan are stimulating the Australian economy.

Iranians are Revolting

Irish Poltergiest

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of a country road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a heavy storm.

The night was rolling on but no cars came by. The storm was so strong John could barely see more than a few feet ahead of him. Then he saw a car slowly come towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the open window and turned the steering wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering his strength, he leapt from the car and ran to the pub. Soaking and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence descended on the patrons as they realized John was crying and not drunk.

Suddenly, the pub door opened, and two men walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other:

"Look Paddy... there's that idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it!"

Tools for Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit".

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wooden projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TONNE ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMN-IT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Life's Little Lessons

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just arseholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge breasts.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Dumbing Down Maths

Teaching Maths in 1964
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000.
His cost of production is 80% of the selling price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Maths in 1972
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Maths in 1980
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000.
His cost of production is $800.
What is his profit?

Teaching Maths in 1988
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000.
His cost of production is $800.
Did he make a profit?

Teaching Maths in 1996
A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000.
His cost of production is $800 and his profit is $200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.

Teaching Maths in 2009
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers)
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available.

Job Dissatisfaction

Wukka Wukka Wow

Important Pharmacological Health Advice

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

  • Consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  • Consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
  • Consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
  • Consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
  • Consumption of Margaritas may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Party Flames Out

Not All Aussies Are Racist

Nude Bootscooter

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home.

Walking proudly into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope".

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "And do you know why it's hanging down Margaret?"

"Nope", she replies.

"It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat."