Sunday, December 07, 2014

Something to offend everyone

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.. The police are blaming AL IKEA .

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.. "Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots...... Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics, Eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

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