Travel Security Alerts

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The British have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO withdrawing from Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines are ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security level from "baaa" to "BAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air-force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes, and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I Hope Australia Will Come and Rescue Us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll be Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie this Weekend" and "The Barbie is Cancelled". There hasn't been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.