Friday, March 11, 2011

Romance: Make Her Happy

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: "make the woman happy". Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played! Here's a guide to the point system:

  • You make the bed (+1)
  • You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
  • You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
  • You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
  • You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
  • When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
  • When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
  • You go out to buy her Spring-Fresh Extra-Light Panty Liners with Wings (+5)
    ......but return with beer (-5)
  • You check out suspicious noise at night (0)
    ..and it's nothing (0)
    ...and it's something (+5) pummel it with a six iron (+10)'s her father (-10)
  • You stay by her side the entire party (0)
  • You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
    ....named Tiffany (-4)
    .......Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
    ..........Tiffany has implants (-8)
  • When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
  • When mingling, you introduce her as "the old ball and chain" and pat her on the rump (-5)
  • When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think
  • she's attractive, you say "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1) say "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed." (-6)
    ......that woman is her sister (-90)
  • You have one drink and that's it (0)
  • You have more than a few drinks and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)
  • You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)
  • You go to the mall together (+3)
  • You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
  • You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
  • You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
  • You spend the day shopping for furniture and nap on a sectional (0)
  • You spend the day at a wholesale club buying in bulk (+3)
    ..most of it chips and beer (-6)
  • You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
    ..or refinishing the floors (+16)
    .....or rewiring the basement (+17)
    .......or adding a second floor (+18)
    .........or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom waste-basket (-6)
    ......and you're tickled pink about it (-15)
  • You visit her parents (0)
  • You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
  • You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the TV (-3)
    ...and the TV is off (-6)
  • You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
    ....and you didn't even go to college (-10)
    ........and it's not your underwear (-15)
  • You take her out to dinner (0)
  • You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
    ...okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
    ......and it's "all-you-can-eat" night (-3)
    .........and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team(-10)
  • You go to a nice pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player, and get up and sing (+4)
    ...if you stink (+2)
    .....if you're not half bad (+5)
    ......if you sing a Barry Manilow song and are escorted out to much applause (-2)
  • You give her a gift (0)'s a small appliance (-10)'s not a small appliance (+1)'s not chocolate (+2)'s something you'll be paying off for months (+30)
  • You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
    .....with her credit card (-30)
    ........and it's two sizes too big (-40)
  • You forget her birthday completely (-120)
    ..You forget your anniversary (-30)
    ....You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-45)
    .......which is in Newark, New Jersey (-50)
    ..........and the pouring rain completely dissolves her leg cast (-60)
  • Go out with a pal (-5)
    ..and the pal is happily married (-4)
    ....and the pal is frighteningly single (-7)
    ......and he drives a Mustang (-10)
    ..........with a personalised license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)
  • You have a few beers (-9)
    ..and miss curfew by an hour (-12)
    .....and you didn't call (-20)
  • You get home at 3 am (-30)
    ...smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-40)
    ......and not wearing any pants (-50) that a tattoo?!? (-200)
  • You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friends from work (+5)
  • She goes out with her annoying friends from work and she comes home late (+10) wait up (+15)
    .....She comes home late and drunk and you put her to bed (+20)
  • You take her to a movie (+2)
    ...a movie she likes (+4)
    .....a movie you hate (+6)
    .......a movie you like (-6)'s called "DeathCop 3" (-3)
    ............which features cyborgs having sex (-9) lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
  • You watch TV together (0)
  • You rent a movie (+2)'s "Sense and Sensibility" (+3) stay awake throughout (+5) fall asleep (-1) fall asleep and drool (-2)
  • You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)
  • You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)
  • You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+30)
  • ....and she contracts Lyme disease (-25)
  • You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
    ...and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
    ........and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)
  • You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)
    ...something she can't use (-10)
    ......such as a motorised model aeroplane (-20)
    .........and she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)
  • You lost the directions on a trip (-4)
    ...and end up getting lost (-10) a bad part of town (-15)
    .........and meet the locals up-close and personal (-25)
    ............and you know them (-60)
  • She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (sensitive questions always start with a deficit) hesitate in responding (-10)
    ...........You reply, "Where?" (-35)
  • When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
  • When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen for over 30 minutes (+5)
    ...without looking at the TV (+10)
    ......she realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)

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