SIMPLE DUTIES
- You make the bed (+1)
- You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
- You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
- You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
- When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
- When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
- You go out to buy her Spring-Fresh Extra-Light Panty Liners with Wings (+5)
......but return with beer (-5) - You check out suspicious noise at night (0)
..and it's nothing (0)
...and it's something (+5)
......you pummel it with a six iron (+10)
.........it's her father (-10)
- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
....named Tiffany (-4)
.......Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
..........Tiffany has implants (-8) - When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)
- When mingling, you introduce her as "the old ball and chain" and pat her on the rump (-5)
- When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think
- she's attractive, you say "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1)
...you say "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed." (-6)
......that woman is her sister (-90) - You have one drink and that's it (0)
- You have more than a few drinks and perform the tango with a poodle (-2)
- You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)
- You go to the mall together (+3)
- You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
- You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
- You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
- You spend the day shopping for furniture and nap on a sectional (0)
- You spend the day at a wholesale club buying in bulk (+3)
..most of it chips and beer (-6) - You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
..or refinishing the floors (+16)
.....or rewiring the basement (+17)
.......or adding a second floor (+18)
.........or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom waste-basket (-6)
......and you're tickled pink about it (-15) - You visit her parents (0)
- You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
- You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the TV (-3)
...and the TV is off (-6) - You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
....and you didn't even go to college (-10)
........and it's not your underwear (-15)
- You take her out to dinner (0)
- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
...okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
......and it's "all-you-can-eat" night (-3)
.........and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team(-10) - You go to a nice pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player, and get up and sing (+4)
...if you stink (+2)
.....if you're not half bad (+5)
......if you sing a Barry Manilow song and are escorted out to much applause (-2) - You give her a gift (0)
......it's a small appliance (-10)
........it's not a small appliance (+1)
..............it's not chocolate (+2)
................it's something you'll be paying off for months (+30) - You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
.....with her credit card (-30)
........and it's two sizes too big (-40)
- You forget her birthday completely (-120)
..You forget your anniversary (-30)
....You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-45)
.......which is in Newark, New Jersey (-50)
..........and the pouring rain completely dissolves her leg cast (-60)
- Go out with a pal (-5)
..and the pal is happily married (-4)
....and the pal is frighteningly single (-7)
......and he drives a Mustang (-10)
..........with a personalised license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15) - You have a few beers (-9)
..and miss curfew by an hour (-12)
.....and you didn't call (-20) - You get home at 3 am (-30)
...smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-40)
......and not wearing any pants (-50)
.........is that a tattoo?!? (-200)
- You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friends from work (+5)
- She goes out with her annoying friends from work and she comes home late (+10)
...you wait up (+15)
.....She comes home late and drunk and you put her to bed (+20)
- You take her to a movie (+2)
...a movie she likes (+4)
.....a movie you hate (+6)
.......a movie you like (-6)
.........it's called "DeathCop 3" (-3)
............which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
...............you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
- You watch TV together (0)
- You rent a movie (+2)
...it's "Sense and Sensibility" (+3)
.....you stay awake throughout (+5)
.......you fall asleep (-1)
........you fall asleep and drool (-2)
- You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)
- You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)
- You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+30)
- ....and she contracts Lyme disease (-25)
- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
...and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
........and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)
- You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)
...something she can't use (-10)
......such as a motorised model aeroplane (-20)
.........and she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)
- You lost the directions on a trip (-4)
...and end up getting lost (-10)
......in a bad part of town (-15)
.........and meet the locals up-close and personal (-25)
............and you know them (-60)
- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
........you hesitate in responding (-10)
...........You reply, "Where?" (-35)
- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen for over 30 minutes (+5)
...without looking at the TV (+10)
......she realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)
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