Saturday, July 22, 2006
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Zidane vs Materazzi
As seen by Germans
As seen by French
As seen by Italians
As seen by Americans
As seen by the press
As seen by French
As seen by Italians
As seen by Americans
As seen by the press
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Brazillion
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Offside Rule Explained for Women
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes! BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!
It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes! BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!
White Rabbit Test
The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a forest and tells each agency to catch it.
The FBI goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive investigations the FBI concludes rabbits do not exist.
The CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest, killing everything, including the rabbit. It makes no apologies; the rabbit had it coming, they insist.
The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
John Howard hears about George jnr's idea and decides to test Australian law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest, near Canberra.
The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promises that if it gets a budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.
The Victorian police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self-defence," they explain.
The NSW police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out their minds.
The Queensland police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, with scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.
The WA police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of tea.
The SA and NT police join forces and beat the crap out of every rabbit in the forest, except the white one. They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble.
The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues,particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high overtime, and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be returned to the referring authority for further analysis.
ASIO goes into the wrong forest.
The FBI goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive investigations the FBI concludes rabbits do not exist.
The CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest, killing everything, including the rabbit. It makes no apologies; the rabbit had it coming, they insist.
The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
John Howard hears about George jnr's idea and decides to test Australian law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest, near Canberra.
The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promises that if it gets a budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.
The Victorian police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self-defence," they explain.
The NSW police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out their minds.
The Queensland police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, with scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.
The WA police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of tea.
The SA and NT police join forces and beat the crap out of every rabbit in the forest, except the white one. They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble.
The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues,particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high overtime, and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be returned to the referring authority for further analysis.
ASIO goes into the wrong forest.
Soccer Genius
Comments attributed to the Australian World Cup Socceroos...
"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
Tim Cahill
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka.
"Guus Hiddink is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
Lucas Neill.
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
John Aloisi.
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Ned Zelic.
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Mark Schwarzer.
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Vince Grella.
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Harry Kewell.
"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Mile Sterjovski.
"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."
Mark Viduka.
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Craig Moore.
"I took a whack on my left ankle but something told me it was my right."
Harry Kewell.
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Vince Grella.
"Germany is a very difficult team to play... they have 11 internationals out there."
Zeljko Kalac.
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Jason Culina.
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Scott Chipperfield.
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Marco Bresciano.
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Craig Moore.
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Mark Viduka.
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Harry Kewell
"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
Tim Cahill
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka.
"Guus Hiddink is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
Lucas Neill.
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
John Aloisi.
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Ned Zelic.
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Mark Schwarzer.
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Vince Grella.
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Harry Kewell.
"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Mile Sterjovski.
"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."
Mark Viduka.
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Craig Moore.
"I took a whack on my left ankle but something told me it was my right."
Harry Kewell.
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Vince Grella.
"Germany is a very difficult team to play... they have 11 internationals out there."
Zeljko Kalac.
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Jason Culina.
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Scott Chipperfield.
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Marco Bresciano.
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Craig Moore.
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Mark Viduka.
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Harry Kewell
Water vs. Alcohol
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, by the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of the Escherichia Coli bacteria commonly found in water containing faeces.
In other words, we are consuming one kilo of shit.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.
It is my duty to communicate to all of you who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.
THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than
to drink water and be full of it!!
In other words, we are consuming one kilo of shit.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.
It is my duty to communicate to all of you who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.
THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than
to drink water and be full of it!!
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