A Polite Rejection Letter from The Smithsonian

Purported to be an actual letter from the archives of The Smithsonian...

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

Volvo Love

Belly Button Jewelry Contest

Runners Up...



And the winner is...

Law and Disorder

Knock Knock

When Irish Eyes are Smiling

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one: Seamus O'Reilly from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Well he thought he was having his photo taken."

Weird Al - White & Nerdy

Evening Classes for Women

Note: due to the intense nature of the course material, each session has a maximum of eight participants.

Topic 1: Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

Topic 2: The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

Topic 3: Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

Topic 4: Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

Topic 5: Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking.

Topic 6: Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging.

Topic 7: Telephone Skills - How to hang up in less than 30 minutes.

Topic 8: Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You can Acquire.

Topic 9: Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

Topic 10: Introduction to Parking.

Topic 11: Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.

Topic 12: Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

Topic 13: Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Own.

Topic 14: Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

Topic 15: Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

Topic 16: Cooking: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

Topic 17: TV Remotes: For Men Only.

Evening Classes for Men

Note: Due to the intense nature of the course material, each session has a maximum of eight participants.

Topic 1: How to fill ice-cube trays. Step-by-step with slide presentation.

Topic 2: Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.

Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4: The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 5: Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6: Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 7: Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8: Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

Topic 9: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 10: Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 11: How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12: How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Cleared for Take Off

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.