Consenting Adults

Noah in 2007

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed building regulations approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to appeal to the Planning Minister for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us but they would have none of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have preservation orders on them and we live in a site of environmental significance set up in order to protect the orange bellied parrot. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the parrots but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the local Council, the Department of the Environment and the Rivers & Waterways Trust ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many persons with special needs I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire union members with an Ark-building ticket.

To make matters worse, Customs seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Too Young to Die

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin argument on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that there is no mistake my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and according to that, you're at least 108 years old!"

Medieval Tech Support

Danny Bhoy

How to Argue with Women

1. Fine
   
   This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (Never use “Fine” to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. Five minutes
   This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it’s an even trade.
3. Nothing
   “Nothing” means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”
4. Go ahead (with raised eyebrows)
   This is not permission; it’s a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over “Nothing” and you’ll have a “Five minute” discussion that will end with the word “Fine.”
5. Go ahead (normal eyebrows)
   This is not permission, either. It means, “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five minutes” when she cools off.
6. Loud sigh
   This is not actually a word but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A load sigh means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
7. Soft sigh
   Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. Soft sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. Oh
   This word followed by any statement is trouble. For example, “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That’s okay
   This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go ahead.” Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please do
    This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”
11. Thanks
    The woman is thanking you. Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say, “you’re welcome.”
12. Thanks a lot
    Dramatically different from “Thanks.” A woman will say “Thanks a lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the loud sigh. This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the loud sigh, as she will only tell you “Nothing.”

Iraq Extreme Makeover - Jon Stewart Daily Show

Three Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next-door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a nun a lift in his car. She got in and crossed her legs offering a revealing glimpse of her thighs. The priest nearly had a traffic accident. After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest promptly removed his hand but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It says, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie emerges. The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Toe Poke

A husband and wife book a romantic weekend at a hotel. Unfortunately, their double-room reservation is bungled and instead they are given an attic room with two single beds. On the floor between the beds is a raised beam over which the couple must step in order to avoid stubbing their toes.

When they retire to bed the husband switches off the light and says to his wife "How about a bit of nookie?"

She agrees and makes her way across the darkened room and painfully stubs her toe on the raised beam. Her husband hears her shout in pain and comforts her by saying, "Oh diddums did you stub your little tootsie-wootsie, come and lie in my bed and let me rub it better for you."

She lies next to him in bed and they spend the next hour having wonderful sex. The wife then gets out of her husband's bed and starts to cross the room to her bed and again stubs her toe on the raised beam. On again hearing her shout with pain her husband says, "Jesus can't you pick your bloody feet up!"

It's on the Cards