A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from his golf cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer said.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay and I apologize." And with that the golfer walked off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want -- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs and a fantastic sex life.
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.
"I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment and says shyly, "It's okay."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Monkey Business
A cop drives around a bend in the road and comes across a bad accident.
A man and woman both lie dead in the wreckage. The accident appears to have no obvious explanation. The cop looks around and sees a monkey waving its arms at him.
The cop says, "Hey monkey, what happened?"
Monkey: motions with his arms and mimes drinking from a bottle.
Cop: "They were drinking?"
Monkey: nods head vigorously.
Cop: "What else?"
Monkey: mimes smoking a joint.
Cop: "They were smoking dope?"
Monkey: nods head vigorously.
Cop: "There must have been more. This is a very strange accident. Monkey! What else?"
Monkey: nimics sexual relations.
Cop: "They were screwing?"
Monkey: nods very vigorously.
Cop: "This still doesn't make any sense. Hey monkey! How do you know all this?"
Monkey: mimes driving while looking over his shoulder.
A man and woman both lie dead in the wreckage. The accident appears to have no obvious explanation. The cop looks around and sees a monkey waving its arms at him.
The cop says, "Hey monkey, what happened?"
Monkey: motions with his arms and mimes drinking from a bottle.
Cop: "They were drinking?"
Monkey: nods head vigorously.
Cop: "What else?"
Monkey: mimes smoking a joint.
Cop: "They were smoking dope?"
Monkey: nods head vigorously.
Cop: "There must have been more. This is a very strange accident. Monkey! What else?"
Monkey: nimics sexual relations.
Cop: "They were screwing?"
Monkey: nods very vigorously.
Cop: "This still doesn't make any sense. Hey monkey! How do you know all this?"
Monkey: mimes driving while looking over his shoulder.
Spiderman
We call our grandad "Spiderman".
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.
Nonagenerian Viagra
A 90 year old man marries a 20 year old woman, and so goes to his doctor for Viagra. The doctor says, "Sorry but giving Viagra to a 90 year old can be dangerous."
The old man begs and pleads for Viagra, and eventually the doctor gives in. He stresses though that it can only be taken under strict guidelines and only for seven days. The doctor says, "Take half a dose one day then skip the next day, then take another half-dose then skip the next day, and so on until the seventh day".
The old man does as he's instructed the following week after which his wife phones the doctor and says "He's dead!"
The doctor said, "I knew if I gave him Viagra it would kill him." The young widow said, "No, it wasn't the Viagra that killed him, it was all that damned skipping".
The old man begs and pleads for Viagra, and eventually the doctor gives in. He stresses though that it can only be taken under strict guidelines and only for seven days. The doctor says, "Take half a dose one day then skip the next day, then take another half-dose then skip the next day, and so on until the seventh day".
The old man does as he's instructed the following week after which his wife phones the doctor and says "He's dead!"
The doctor said, "I knew if I gave him Viagra it would kill him." The young widow said, "No, it wasn't the Viagra that killed him, it was all that damned skipping".
Manlaws
The International Council of Manlaws
- Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
- It is OK for a man to cry only under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After crashing your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth. - Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
- Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
- If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever unless you actually marry her.
- Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
- No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip club of the birthday boy's choice.
- On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
- When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress but you may never ask who's playing.
- You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
- It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
- Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick or punch another guy in the balls.
- Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
- Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
- If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
- Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
- A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza but not both, that's just greedy.
- If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
- Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
- Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, baby. Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers! - Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing, i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
- Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
- The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
- It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
- Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
- The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation - end of story.
- There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men's gymnastics. Ever.
- We've all heard about people having guts or balls but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the backside and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
Friday, May 11, 2007
Well Equipped
Below is a portion of an interview between a female broadcaster and a General, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: What will you teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: What will you teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
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