Friday, January 11, 2008
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Monday, January 07, 2008
Kevin the Chook
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs.
Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all!
Trevor went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The Result?
The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.
Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Do you know a Pullitician called Kevin?
Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all!
Trevor went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The Result?
The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.
Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Do you know a Pullitician called Kevin?
Winner by a Short Length
Three mates, Chris, Aaron and Pete spend a day together at the racetrack. By the last race of the day they're down to their last $10. They decide to put it all on a trifecta bet. To select their numbers they decide to go with the lengths of their respective members.
Chris chooses 9.
Aaron chooses 7.
And Pete chooses 2.
They place their bet and as luck would have it they win the trifecta; a cool $10,000. They collect their winnings and then argue over how to split the prize.
Chris claims that as he contributed the 9 he is entitled to half the winnings.
Aaron, says that in that case he's entitled to 7/18 of the prize.
"Hang on", says Pete. "You blokes owe me! If I hadn't had an erection at the time, we'd have bet on 9, 7 and 1."
Chris chooses 9.
Aaron chooses 7.
And Pete chooses 2.
They place their bet and as luck would have it they win the trifecta; a cool $10,000. They collect their winnings and then argue over how to split the prize.
Chris claims that as he contributed the 9 he is entitled to half the winnings.
Aaron, says that in that case he's entitled to 7/18 of the prize.
"Hang on", says Pete. "You blokes owe me! If I hadn't had an erection at the time, we'd have bet on 9, 7 and 1."
Friday, December 21, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
0 - 100 in less than six seconds
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in less than six seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.
When Rick's wife woke up she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, his wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in less than six seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.
When Rick's wife woke up she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, his wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Four Word Film Reviews: Top 10
These are the top 10 four word film reviews:
10. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
"Finding Nimoy"
9. Jaws: The Revenge
"Fin"
8. Amadeus
"Salieri has pianist envy"
7. Saving Private Ryan
"Brother gets own bedroom"
6. Best in Show
"This is Spaniel Tap"
5. Eyes Wide Shut
"Pretty shitty gang bang"
4. Superman
"The great S cape"
3. The Blair Witch Project
"Tense. Intense. In tents"
2. Titanic
"Icy dead people"
1. Kramer vs. Kramer
"I bet Kramer wins"
More...
10. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
"Finding Nimoy"
9. Jaws: The Revenge
"Fin"
8. Amadeus
"Salieri has pianist envy"
7. Saving Private Ryan
"Brother gets own bedroom"
6. Best in Show
"This is Spaniel Tap"
5. Eyes Wide Shut
"Pretty shitty gang bang"
4. Superman
"The great S cape"
3. The Blair Witch Project
"Tense. Intense. In tents"
2. Titanic
"Icy dead people"
1. Kramer vs. Kramer
"I bet Kramer wins"
More...
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