The family wheeled Grandma, in her wheelchair, out onto the lawn where activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning over to her right. So some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
Shortly after that, Grandma started leaning over to her left. So again the family straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so her family grabbed her again, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking well. How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to her nephew...
"Bastards won't let me fart."
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Stock Market Crash vs. Divorce
Comment on the stock market crash from a broker:
"This is way worse than a divorce... I've lost half my net worth and I still have my wife!"
"This is way worse than a divorce... I've lost half my net worth and I still have my wife!"
Pun Intended
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practise safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practise safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Senior Molestor
One evening a senior citizens group charters a bus from Bentley to Burswood.
Halfway through their journey an elderly woman approaches the bus driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver thinks she must have fallen asleep and had a dream. So he asks her to return to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she has just been molested. The driver thinks he must have a bus load of demented seniors - who would be molesting old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up to the driver and says that she too has been molested.
The driver decides he's had enough, and pulls over. When he turns on the lights and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling along the aisle and between the seats.
"Hey grandad, what are you doing down there?" asks the bus driver.
The old man replies, "I lost my toupée. Three times, I thought I'd found it but each time I tried to grab it, it ran away!"
Halfway through their journey an elderly woman approaches the bus driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver thinks she must have fallen asleep and had a dream. So he asks her to return to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she has just been molested. The driver thinks he must have a bus load of demented seniors - who would be molesting old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up to the driver and says that she too has been molested.
The driver decides he's had enough, and pulls over. When he turns on the lights and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling along the aisle and between the seats.
"Hey grandad, what are you doing down there?" asks the bus driver.
The old man replies, "I lost my toupée. Three times, I thought I'd found it but each time I tried to grab it, it ran away!"
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Holy Hotel
A priest checks into a hotel and asks the desk clerk, "Can the porn channel in my room be disabled."
"Sorry father," replies the clerk, "we only have ordinary porn - you sick bastard."
"Sorry father," replies the clerk, "we only have ordinary porn - you sick bastard."
Upon Reflection
A woman is standing naked, before her reflection in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Say it with flowers
Two women are chatting over coffee one afternoon.
The first woman says, "I'm tired of my husband buying me flowers each Friday. It means he expects me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."
"Really?" asks the other woman. "Don't you have a vase?"
The first woman says, "I'm tired of my husband buying me flowers each Friday. It means he expects me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."
"Really?" asks the other woman. "Don't you have a vase?"
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