Sean Morey: The Man Song

I don't take no crap from anybody!
...else but you.
I wear the pants around here!
...when I'm finished with your laundry.
Cause I'm a guy you don't want to fight!
When I say "jump"
...you say "yeah, right".
I'm the man of this house!
...until you get home.

What I say goes around here!
...right out the window.
And I don't want to hear a lot of whining!
...so I'll shut up.
The sooner you learn who's boss around here!
...the sooner you can give me my orders, dear.
Cause I am the head honcho!
...but it's all in my head.

And I can have sex anytime!
...that you want.
Cause I'm a man who has needs!
...but they're not that important.
And don't expect any flowers from me!
...because if I'm not mistaken you prefer jewellery.
I'm the king of my castle!
...when you're not around.

And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I want!
...to get into trouble.
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready!
...to sleep on the couch.
Because a man's got to do what a man's got to do!
...and I'm going to do what you tell me to.
Because I'm top dog around here!
...but I've been neutered!

By Sean Morey

Engineer vs Manager

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man on the ground below. He lowers his balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me please? I promised my friend I would meet her half an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, floating approximately 15 metres above the ground. Your latitude is between 40 and 42 degrees north, and your longitude is between 58 and 60 degrees west."

"You must be an engineer," shouts the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager".

"I am," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are nor where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position as you were in before we met but now it is somehow my fault."

Divorced Barbie

On his way home from work one day, a father suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He hurries into a toy shop and asks a female sales assistant, "How much are those Barbie Dolls in the display window?"

"Which one do you mean, Sir?" asks the assistant. "We have: Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

"How much?" asks the father. "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.95 while the others only $19.95?"

The sales assistant rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's Balls."

BBQ Etiquette

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman prepares the salad and vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman readies the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
4. Here comes the important part: the man places the meat on the grill.
   
   More routine...
   
   
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is ready for turning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he turns the meat.
7. Important again: the man takes the meat off the grill and passes it to the woman.
   
   More routine...
   
   
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins and sauces, and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and washes the dishes.
10. Most important of all: everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Political Heaven and Hell

While crossing the street one day a politician is hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the polly.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you may choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules.", says St. Pete.

And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to an elevator in which he descends to hell. The elevator doors open and the politician finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all the man's friends and other politicians who have worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. His friends and colleagues run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the wonderful times they had while getting rich at the expense of others. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such fun that before the politician realizes it, it's time to leave. Everyone bids him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator ascends. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time for you to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a nice time and, before he realizes it, another 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The polly reflects for a moment then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he descends back down to hell. When the elevator doors open the politician finds himself in the middle of a barren landscape strewn with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage rains down from above. The devil comes over to the politician and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the polly. "Yesterday when I was here, there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...

Today you voted."

Footballer's Tackle

Monkey Business

If you have difficulty understanding the current world financial situation, the following should help.

Once upon a time in a village in India, a businessman announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for 10 rupees. The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around went out into the forest to catch them.

The businessman bought thousands of monkeys from the villagers at 10 rupees each but as supply began to diminish the villagers stopped their efforts. The businessman then announced that he would now pay 20 rupees per monkey. This encouraged the villagers to start catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply of monkeys diminished even further and the villagers returned to their farms. The rate offered per monkey was further increased to 25 rupees, and so the supply of monkeys became so low that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch one.

The businessman then announced that he would buy monkeys for 50 rupees each. However, since he had to visit the city, his assistant would act as his buyer. In the businessman's absence his assistant said to the villagers, "Look at all the monkeys my boss has collected in this huge cage. I'll sell them to you at 35 rupees each, and when my boss returns you can sell them back to him for 50 rupees."

The villagers scraped together their their savings and bought all the monkeys from the assistant, who then promptly disappeared with their money. They never saw him, his boss or their money ever again - just monkeys everywhere.

Welcome to Wall Street.

Glazed and Confused

Blonde Renovator: Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-glazed energy-efficient kind, and today, I had a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Well, just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I'm automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking salesman had told me last year: that in one year these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooo?! "It's been a year!", I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung-up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Hell's Angel vs. Lion

A biker is riding past a zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion hooks the cuff of the girl's jacket and tries to pull the girl into his cage for the slaughter.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and punches the lion square on the nose.

Whimpering with pain the lion recoils letting go of the girl. The biker then brings the girl to her terrified parents.

A New York Times reporter, who has witnessed the whole event, says to the biker, "Sir, that was the bravest thing I've ever seen someone do in my entire life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt I should."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this doesn't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist for the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have your story on the front page".

"So," asks the reporter, "please tell me a little about yourself."

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The journalist thanks the biker and leaves. The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it contains news of his actions, and reads, on front page the headline:

US. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

The Singhsons