Expand Your Vocubulary

AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a "black box".

AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French kiss but given down-under.

BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first pee in the pub, usually after two hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS: Rhyming slang for "beers", e.g. "Couple of Britneys please".

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The "no-stars" comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming slang for "Stella" (the lager).

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a big mistake, e.g. you've hit Reply-All.

PEARL HARBOUR: Cold weather, e.g. "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there." There's a nasty nip in the air.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.

SALAD DODGER: An overweight person.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

SINBAD: Single working girls - Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate.

SITCOM: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What YUPPYs turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWAMP DONKEY: A profoundly unattractive woman.

TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

TESTICULATING: Waving your arms about whilst talking bollocks.

TRAMP STAMP: Tattoo on a female.

Letterman: Top 10 George W Bush Moments

Brain Transplant

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

An Texan doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."

Stunning Gift for Spouse

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th wedding anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her an adequate time to retreat to safety.

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries into the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and theTtaser in the another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 13cm long, less than 2cm in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dummy," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

I SAW THE LIGHT!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about three metres or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 40 kilos. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shat myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my family jewels and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.

Bangladesh Brickie

Divine Intervention

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he prays quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed! Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the Chief standing in front of you."

So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and looking at 100 angry natives...

The voice booms out again, "Okay....NOW you're screwed."

Age and Womanhood

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18...
She is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35...
She is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45...
She is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56...
She is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia...
Everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?

Disneyland Divorce

Mickey Mouse is going through a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking Goofy!"

Panty Remover

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her. "Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"

"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

Involuntary Muscle Contraction

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably fishing with his mates."