Incomprehensible Iraqi Insurgents

New Years Resolutions

• The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So that's the time to steal stuff.
• Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• Always remember that you are unique. Like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of payments.
• Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
• If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
• Some days we are the bugs; some days we are the windscreens.
• Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• The most wasted day of all - is one in which we have not laughed.

Christmas Angel

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regulars, so Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out who knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of glass shards all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Coming Out

Digital Nativity

One Ronnie: Fruity

Manslator

Pun-ter

"I think therefore I am," I told the prostitutes.

Talk about putting Descartes before the whores.

Choose Your Poison

Via Science, Reason & Critical Thinking

Marriage Made In Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder whether they could possibly get married in Heaven.

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out."

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat exhausted. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" exclaimed the happy couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What’s wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON!” St. Peter shouted.

"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"