Psychiatrist to client: I think your problem is low self-esteem.
It is very common among losers.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
- Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
- Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
- Dementia: I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
- Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
- Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and...
- Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
- Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
- Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
- Attention Deficit Disorder: Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Twins?
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Woolies with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Woolworths, nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would root you twice!"
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Woolworths, nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would root you twice!"
Friday, December 15, 2006
Friday, December 08, 2006
Nudist Colony
An old man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £250 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 15 times a day."
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £250 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 15 times a day."
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