Thursday, May 31, 2007
Golf Thesaurus
A Dennis Wise - a nasty five footer.
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read.
A Rock Hudson - looked straight but wasn't.
A Cuban - needed one more revolution.
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole.
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker.
A Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another.
A Yasser Arafat - ugly, fat and in the sand.
A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect.
A Gerry Adams - playing a provisional.
A Glen Miller - didn't make it over the water.
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result.
A Rodney King - over-clubbed.
An O.J. Simpson - got away with it.
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver.
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver.
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading.
A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air but didn't have the legs.
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems.
A condom - safe but didn't feel good.
An Anna Kournikova - looks great but unlikely to get a result.
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it.
A Brazilian - shaved both sides of the hole.
A Ron Jeremy – fat and ugly but went a long way.
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read.
A Rock Hudson - looked straight but wasn't.
A Cuban - needed one more revolution.
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole.
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker.
A Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another.
A Yasser Arafat - ugly, fat and in the sand.
A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect.
A Gerry Adams - playing a provisional.
A Glen Miller - didn't make it over the water.
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result.
A Rodney King - over-clubbed.
An O.J. Simpson - got away with it.
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver.
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver.
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading.
A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air but didn't have the legs.
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems.
A condom - safe but didn't feel good.
An Anna Kournikova - looks great but unlikely to get a result.
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it.
A Brazilian - shaved both sides of the hole.
A Ron Jeremy – fat and ugly but went a long way.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Cruising
DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to board the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also played shuffle board and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honoured and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY: DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino. Did okay - won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY: DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.
I am all packed and ready to board the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also played shuffle board and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honoured and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY: DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino. Did okay - won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY: DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
The Departed (swearing removed)
and condensed into the following clip, i.e. extreme language warning...
Golfing Leprechaun
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from his golf cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer said.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay and I apologize." And with that the golfer walked off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want -- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs and a fantastic sex life.
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.
"I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment and says shyly, "It's okay."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer said.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay and I apologize." And with that the golfer walked off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want -- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs and a fantastic sex life.
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.
"I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment and says shyly, "It's okay."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
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