Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Things mothers should say ... but never do
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to wag school a lot, too."
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheerful."
"Let me smell that shirt ... Yeah, it's good for another week."
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, love. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."
"Well, if Barry's mum says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."
"Don't bother wearing a jacket ... the wind-chill is bound to improve."
"Yeah, I used to wag school a lot, too."
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheerful."
"Let me smell that shirt ... Yeah, it's good for another week."
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, love. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."
"Well, if Barry's mum says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."
"Don't bother wearing a jacket ... the wind-chill is bound to improve."
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Look at that Van Gogh
Vincent Van Gogh was standing at the corner of the bar in his local pub when his mate Rembrandt walked in.
"Fancy a whiskey, Van Gogh?" called out Rembrandt.
"No, it's okay", said Van Gogh, "I've got one ear."
"Fancy a whiskey, Van Gogh?" called out Rembrandt.
"No, it's okay", said Van Gogh, "I've got one ear."
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
The Impotence of Proof-Reading
Has this ever happened to you?
You work very horde on a paper for English clash
And then get a very glow raid (like a D or even a D=)
and all because you are the word¹s liverwurst spoiler.
Proofreading your peppers is a matter of the the utmost impotence.
This is a problem that affects manly, manly students.
I myself was such a bed spiller once upon a term
that my English teacher in my sophomoric year,
Mrs. Myth, said I would never get into a good colleague.
And that¹s all I wanted, just to get into a good colleague.
Not just anal community colleague,
because I wouldn¹t be happy at anal community colleague.
I needed a place that would offer me intellectual simulation,
I really need to be challenged, challenged dentally.
I know this makes me sound like a stereo,
but I really wanted to go to an ivory legal colleague.
So I needed to improvement
or gone would be my dream of going to Harvard, Jail, or Prison
(in Prison, New Jersey).
So I got myself a spell checker
and figured I was on Sleazy Street.
But there are several missed aches
that a spell chukka can¹t can¹t catch catch.
For instant, if you accidentally leave a word
your spell exchequer won¹t put it in you.
And God for billing purposes only
you should have serial problems with Tori Spelling
your spell Chekhov might replace a word
with one you had absolutely no detention of using.
Because what do you want it to douche?
It only does what you tell it to douche.
You¹re the one with your hand on the mouth going clit, clit, clit.
It just goes to show you how embargo
one careless clit of the mouth can be.
Which reminds me of this one time during my Junior Mint.
The teacher read my entire paper on A Sale of Two Titties
out loud to all of my ass mates.
I¹m not joking, I¹m totally cereal.
It was the most humidifying experience of my life,
being laughed at pubicly.
So do yourself a flavor and follow these two Pisces of advice:
One: There is no prostitute for careful editing.
And three: When it comes to proofreading,
the red penis your friend.
Source: Taylor Mali
You work very horde on a paper for English clash
And then get a very glow raid (like a D or even a D=)
and all because you are the word¹s liverwurst spoiler.
Proofreading your peppers is a matter of the the utmost impotence.
This is a problem that affects manly, manly students.
I myself was such a bed spiller once upon a term
that my English teacher in my sophomoric year,
Mrs. Myth, said I would never get into a good colleague.
And that¹s all I wanted, just to get into a good colleague.
Not just anal community colleague,
because I wouldn¹t be happy at anal community colleague.
I needed a place that would offer me intellectual simulation,
I really need to be challenged, challenged dentally.
I know this makes me sound like a stereo,
but I really wanted to go to an ivory legal colleague.
So I needed to improvement
or gone would be my dream of going to Harvard, Jail, or Prison
(in Prison, New Jersey).
So I got myself a spell checker
and figured I was on Sleazy Street.
But there are several missed aches
that a spell chukka can¹t can¹t catch catch.
For instant, if you accidentally leave a word
your spell exchequer won¹t put it in you.
And God for billing purposes only
you should have serial problems with Tori Spelling
your spell Chekhov might replace a word
with one you had absolutely no detention of using.
Because what do you want it to douche?
It only does what you tell it to douche.
You¹re the one with your hand on the mouth going clit, clit, clit.
It just goes to show you how embargo
one careless clit of the mouth can be.
Which reminds me of this one time during my Junior Mint.
The teacher read my entire paper on A Sale of Two Titties
out loud to all of my ass mates.
I¹m not joking, I¹m totally cereal.
It was the most humidifying experience of my life,
being laughed at pubicly.
So do yourself a flavor and follow these two Pisces of advice:
One: There is no prostitute for careful editing.
And three: When it comes to proofreading,
the red penis your friend.
Source: Taylor Mali
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Friday, June 01, 2007
Little Accident
Driving to work this morning, I got distracted and ended up having a minor collision with another car.
Anyway, the other driver got out of his car - turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy". So I said, "Well which one are you then?"
Anyway, the other driver got out of his car - turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy". So I said, "Well which one are you then?"
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Golf Thesaurus
A Dennis Wise - a nasty five footer.
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read.
A Rock Hudson - looked straight but wasn't.
A Cuban - needed one more revolution.
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole.
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker.
A Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another.
A Yasser Arafat - ugly, fat and in the sand.
A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect.
A Gerry Adams - playing a provisional.
A Glen Miller - didn't make it over the water.
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result.
A Rodney King - over-clubbed.
An O.J. Simpson - got away with it.
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver.
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver.
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading.
A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air but didn't have the legs.
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems.
A condom - safe but didn't feel good.
An Anna Kournikova - looks great but unlikely to get a result.
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it.
A Brazilian - shaved both sides of the hole.
A Ron Jeremy – fat and ugly but went a long way.
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read.
A Rock Hudson - looked straight but wasn't.
A Cuban - needed one more revolution.
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole.
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker.
A Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another.
A Yasser Arafat - ugly, fat and in the sand.
A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect.
A Gerry Adams - playing a provisional.
A Glen Miller - didn't make it over the water.
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result.
A Rodney King - over-clubbed.
An O.J. Simpson - got away with it.
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver.
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver.
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading.
A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air but didn't have the legs.
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems.
A condom - safe but didn't feel good.
An Anna Kournikova - looks great but unlikely to get a result.
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it.
A Brazilian - shaved both sides of the hole.
A Ron Jeremy – fat and ugly but went a long way.
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