The Priest and the Politician

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled but as the days went on I knew that my flock were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Exercise Workout Goes Horribly Wrong

Lost Dr. Seuss Poem: I Love My Job

I love my job, I love the pay!

I love it more and more each day
I love my boss he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest

I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation
I love my furniture, drab and gray, and piles of paper that grow each day
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers and jeers and sneers
I love my computer and its software
I hug it often though it won't care. I love each program and every file
I'd love them more if they worked a while

I am happy to be here. I am. I am
I'm the happiest slave of the firm, I am
I love this work, I love these chores
I love the meetings with deadly bores
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men
Those friendly men who've come today
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!

Sex and Alcohol

The Hormone Guide

There are days in a woman's monthly cycle when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS	SAFER	SAFEST	ULTRA SAFE
What's for dinner?	Can I help you with dinner?	Where would you like to go for dinner?	Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that?	Wow, you sure look good in brown!	WOW! Look at you!	Here, have some wine.
What are you so worked up about?	Could we be overreacting?	Here's my paycheck.	Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that?	You know, there are a lot of apples left.	Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?	Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day?	I hope you didn't over-do it today.	I've always loved you in that robe!	Here, have some wine.

Rejection Lines (and what they actually mean)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance".)
9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to do my Dad.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben's & Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)


Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

Finger Licking Good

I was packing for a business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's going to eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I asked, "What's wrong, love?"

She replied, "What happened to my snot?"

Pair of Topless Strippers

Click to enlarge...

Patton Oswalt on Geriatric Childbirth and KFC

Parallel Parking

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."