Two nuns were out walking one evening. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Cheeses Lives
A very pretty French poodle was being chased by three dogs; a labrador, a golden retriever, and a chihuahua. She couldn't pick between them so she said, "I can't pick between you, but I like an intelligent dog, so if you can use my two favourite words, cheese and liver in a sentence you can have a date with me."
So the labrador thinks long and hard, and says, "I like liver, I like cheese." The poodle was not impressed.
The golden retriever runs around impulsively chasing his tail and says, "Yumm, cheesy liver." The poodle harrumphed and waited.
The chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
So the labrador thinks long and hard, and says, "I like liver, I like cheese." The poodle was not impressed.
The golden retriever runs around impulsively chasing his tail and says, "Yumm, cheesy liver." The poodle harrumphed and waited.
The chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
Friday, May 02, 2008
Fanfare of Strumpets
A group of academics is coming home late at night from dinner when they meet, coming in the other direction, four ladies of the night.
One of the academics says, "Ah, a bevy of beauties!"
Another from the English department says, "No, I'd say it was an anthology of prose!"
The third one, who's also from the English department, says, "No, an essay of trollops!"
A chap from the law faculty says, "No, I'd say it was a firm of solicitors!"
And finally the chap from the geology department says, "No, I'd say it was an outcrop of ores!"
Source: Prof. Neville Fletcher
One of the academics says, "Ah, a bevy of beauties!"
Another from the English department says, "No, I'd say it was an anthology of prose!"
The third one, who's also from the English department, says, "No, an essay of trollops!"
A chap from the law faculty says, "No, I'd say it was a firm of solicitors!"
And finally the chap from the geology department says, "No, I'd say it was an outcrop of ores!"
Source: Prof. Neville Fletcher
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Irish Castaway
An Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for more than ten years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he ruled out the possibility of it being a small boat or raft. Suddenly, there emerged from the surf a wetsuit-clad figure. After putting aside her scuba gear, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "How long has it been since you had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh packet of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.
"Faith and b'gorrah," exclaimed the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask and take a long drink.
"'Tis the nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "Truly fantastic".
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
As the speck got closer and closer, he ruled out the possibility of it being a small boat or raft. Suddenly, there emerged from the surf a wetsuit-clad figure. After putting aside her scuba gear, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "How long has it been since you had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh packet of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.
"Faith and b'gorrah," exclaimed the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask and take a long drink.
"'Tis the nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "Truly fantastic".
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
Monday, April 28, 2008
Lemon Penance
There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Almost Adulterous
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and deposit £50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and deposit £50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Blatant Racial Discrimination
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time. The teacher says to the first child 'Hello Kylie, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Kylie replies, "I have been playing in the sand pit".
"Very good", says the teacher, "if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit."
Kylie duly goes and writes "s a n d" on the blackboard.
"Very good", says the teacher and gives Kylie a biscuit.
The teacher then says "Shane, what have you been doing in your playtime?"
Shane replies, "Playing with Kylie in the sand pit."
"Very good", says the teacher. "If you can spell 'pit' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit."
Shane duly goes and writes "p i t" on the blackboard.
"Very good", says the teacher and gives Shane a biscuit.
Teacher then says, "Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand pit with Kylie and Shane?"
"No", replies Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they wouldn't let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names."
"Oh dear," says the teacher. "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit".
Kylie replies, "I have been playing in the sand pit".
"Very good", says the teacher, "if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit."
Kylie duly goes and writes "s a n d" on the blackboard.
"Very good", says the teacher and gives Kylie a biscuit.
The teacher then says "Shane, what have you been doing in your playtime?"
Shane replies, "Playing with Kylie in the sand pit."
"Very good", says the teacher. "If you can spell 'pit' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit."
Shane duly goes and writes "p i t" on the blackboard.
"Very good", says the teacher and gives Shane a biscuit.
Teacher then says, "Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand pit with Kylie and Shane?"
"No", replies Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they wouldn't let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names."
"Oh dear," says the teacher. "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit".
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
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