Pewee

An elderly couple are in Church one Sunday.

The old lady turns to her husband and whispers, "George, I just let out a silent fart but I can feel have another one coming on. What shall I do?"

John whispers back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"

Hairy Gorilla Sex

Melbourne Zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem; the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, the zoo had no male gorillas.

Reflecting on their problem, the zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad, and former All Black, responsible for maintaining the zoo's machinery.

Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed endowed with ample ability to satisfy any female. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Graham was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Graham announced that he would accept the offer but only under three conditions:

"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss 'er."

"Sicondly, you must niver, niver tull anyone about thus."

The zoo administrators quickly agreed to these conditions, and then asked Graham for his third condition.

"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

The Recycling Rabbi

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While the inspector was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Climactic Parliamentary Speech - Jason Wood

Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men

Oil Change Instructions for Women

1. Pull up to Ultratune when the mileage reaches 10,000 Km since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Five minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
   

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change Instructions for Men

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand-cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2. Stop by bottle-shop and buy a carton of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 socket.
9. Give up and use shifter.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
    
13. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
17. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
18. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
19. Drink a beer.
20. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to basket surface.
21. Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
22. Remember drain plug from step 11.
23. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
24. Drink beer.
25. Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor.
26. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
27. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.
28. Drink beer.
29. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
30. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
31. Slip with stupid shifter to tighten drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
32. Begin cursing fit.
33. Throw stupid shifter.
34. Curse for additional five minutes because shifter hit golf trophy.
35. Beer.
36. Clean hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
37. Beer.
38. Pour in four fresh litres of oil.
39. Beer.
40. Lower car from jack stands.
41. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
42. Beer.
43. Test drive car.
44. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
45. Car gets impounded.
46. Call loving wife, make bail.
47. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4165.00

But you know the job was done right!

Flip Flop Flap

Super-glue prank...

Italian Donkey Clock

Short Fairytale

One day, a long, long time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch...

But it was a long time ago... and it was just one day.

The End

Leather Effect

Memo from Osama: Cave Etiquette

AL QAEDA

OFFICE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN
CAVE 7422, TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

To all Jihadists,

Subject: The Cave (do not distribute outside the Organization)

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we continue to fight the infidels in this New Year, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning-rota... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the "wassup" thing. Thanks.

Third - food. I bought a box of Darrel Lea recently. I clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Darrel Lea slices were gone. Consideration - that's all I'm saying.

Fourth, I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ozzy, ozzy, ozzy, oi, oi, oi" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth - graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA FUCKS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall - it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth, the use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam - the old excuse that the "chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain" will not be accepted in future (with donkeys, there is a grey area).

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Os.

P.S. - I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.