Paradise Lost

Since singer Susan Boyle, who professes to being a virgin, has been on TV, there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings around the world.

Apparently, many Islamic terrorists hadn't realized what a virgin looks like.

Ten Rules for Happiness

Ten rules for men to follow for a happy life:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.

Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:

For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:

Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back...

Finger iPad

Daniel Kitson: Pigeons

My Living Will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

Mispunderstandings

Honestly, some folk will take offence at anything; I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

A Tasmanian girl sent an email to an Agony Aunt: "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is gay?"

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the porn channel in my room disabled?" "No," she replies, "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

A bloke goes to the doctor with hearing problems, the doctor asks, "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" "Yes... Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

Fairytale for Blokes

Once upon a time, a man asked a woman, "Will you marry me?"

The woman said, "No!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing and shooting, and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch, and had tonnes of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

Unhappy Valentines