The Deer Hunter blooper

Subtle humour

Sometimes my Jehovah’s Witness friends get mad at me for ignoring them when they try to tell me knock knock jokes.

My brother Ben has Alzheimer’s. I hope it isn’t hereditary because my brother Ben has Alzheimer’s.

I hate that if a girl has sex with a lot of guys everyone calls her a slut, yet if a guy does the same thing everyone calls him gay.

I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

I was going to tell a joke about Jonestown, but the punchline is too long.

If you put your ear next to a woman's leg you can actually hear her say what the fuck are you doing?

Don’t tease fat kids, they already have enough on their plates.

My friend told me I don't understand irony...
...which was ironic because I was standing at a bus stop at the time.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "I'll have some H2O." A second man then walks up and says, "I'll have some H2O too."
The second man dies.

Via AskReddit

Great Weekend

A balding, white-haired old man, walked into a jewellery store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl on his arm. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At this, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweller said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!"

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."

"I know, said the old man, but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"

Flying Blind

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die."

The Italian Job

An elderly Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his annual tomato crop, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie.

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie.

Good News, Bad News and Great News

During a holiday, a man's wife is lost at sea while scuba diving. The next day, two police offices visit the man in his hotel room.

"We're sorry to disturb you," says the first cop. "But we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the man asks for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you," the policeman said, "that we found your wife's body in the bay this morning."

"Oh, my God!" the man sobs.  Composing himself he remembers what the policeman had said, he asks, "So, what's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," the eager policeman says, "she had two huge crayfish and a dozen crabs on her."

"What?!" the man exclaims, confused. "And what's the great news?"

"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Nymphomaniacs

Men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.

The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves but the maniac stays on.

How the EU Works

Several years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town.  When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian Mayor he wondered how the Italian could afford such a house.

The Italian Mayor responded, "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single-lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built."

The following year the Italian Mayor visited the Greek town.  He was astonished at the sight of the Greek Mayor's brand-new house; gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.  When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek Mayor said, "You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian replied, "No."

Siri Argument

Rogue Squadron: Cheers