Thomas the Tank Engine Derailed

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS! When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."

The note

The wife left a note on the fridge:

It's not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my mother's 

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. No idea what she was on about!

Irish Olympic Sailing Commentary

Sack the sub-editor

Alleged to be genuine headlines:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Blessed are the cracked

...for they let in the light. 

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. God must love stupid people; She made so many.
12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 
15. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
16. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
17. Procrastinate now!
18. I have an Arts degree; do you want fries with that?
19. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
20. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
21. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
22. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
23. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
24. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
25. Ham and eggs... a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
26. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
28. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Trouble and Strife

Listening to the radio this morning, the host invited callers to reveal their nicknames for their wives. The pick of the bunch was from a brave chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman"...

Absolutely no interest for 36 months.

Star Wars I Used To Know

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokian: a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people look intelligent until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right; only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "In case of emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of her most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick, so she dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper: "Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?"

"Yes, he's out in the garden," whispered the small voice.

"May I please speak with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

So the boss asked, "Well, is mum there?"

"Yes, she's out in the garden too."

The boss asked, "May I speak with her please?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was someone with whom she could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a policeman would be doing at her employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the police-dog men."

Growing more worried as she heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"It's a helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

"The search team just landed a helicopter."

"A search team?" said the boss.

"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"ME!"

Pool Leak

I was at the pool last Sunday and decided to have a sneaky piss at the deep end. The life guard must have noticed, he blew his whistle so damned loudly, I nearly fell in.